A FT Indian with a Singaporean Chinese girlfriend has shared his frustration on reddit after he felt that she was a casual racist. She even stated that Indian women look like men. The Indian boyfriend said that he is also Indian and saying thing like that could refer to his mother or sister as well.
Here is the full story.
Hey Singapore,
Just really needed some help from you guys, maybe just some clarification.
For some context I’m from the Uk with Indian heritage. My great grandparents immigrated to east Africa and then my grand parents immigrated to England.
My girlfriend is Chinese Singaporean.
Firstly would just like to say although the following paints her in bad light, she is really cool, loving fun gf but then 5% of the time she turns into what I would call a casual racist.
We always fight because I think she is being casually racist. I.e Malays are like this, Filipino are like that. She thinks Indian workers are treated well and also has a lot to say about indian women who she thinks look like men. She also refers to black people as blackies. In her opinion she is just saying it as she sees it. Her generally attitude is that if they don’t like they can go back.
She can’t seem to understand I’m also indian and saying things like that really she could be talking about my mum or sister. But in her head I cannot be an Indian and English at the same time let alone the African part. On more than one occasion she has asked me to choose between the two. She seems to think she is only Singaporean and completely disregards her Chinese roots.
I’m trying my hardest to explain to her how much I hate it, especially as a person who is an ethnic minority in England and who has suffered from racism here. She can not even understand that the term “Paki” is kind of like calling a black person the n word. I can admit I am very sensitive and I have adhd so I do get really angry when she says something. Recently I’ve been losing my cool(which I’m very embarrassed) but she just doesn’t understand she is being racist and thinks I’m suppressing her point of view.
Recently I’ve been threatening to break up if she doesn’t stop, I totally get that is wrong to hold the relationship hostage but I’m at a wits end here.
Is this a general problem in Singapore? and how can I address these issues with her so we can move forward.
Also does Singapore have a problem with casual racism? I’m trying to understand her point of view so I can relate but I just can’t on occasions.
Having said all of this she is awesome most of the time and that’s why Im still here fighting for the relationship to work.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated!!
Thank you.
Edit: genuinely feel overwhelmed with all the replies, can’t thank everyone who took the time to do so.
So basically I regurgitated a mix of everything I read here and armed with my enhanced knowledge of Singaporean culture, I was able to speak from an “educated” standpoint. I also went through my background and cited examples where I have suffered racism personally to provide some greater context. Without scolding her, I explained my views in how abhorrent the things some of the things she was saying are and how I couldnt bare to raise a child to think like this.
As soon as I pointed a few things like her saying “blackie” she knew it was wrong, and held her hands up, with the Malay and philipino I had to break down Chinese privilege and she did listen(not sure how much she took on board) without being defensive and said she was very sorry and she would try to respect me. As we delved further into this topic it suddenly clicked when she mentioned her ex would say these horrible things and make fun of foreigners relentlessly. Her ex of a decade is white English, and now I think about it. That’s where she has learnt that vicious style of overt racism to add onto the already existing systematic racism she learned growing up. Very toxic mix. I’ve seen those certain elements of racist brits style. It’s way more malicious.
She says it’s also overwhelming for her and she wants to change(her own words). She is currently writing me an apology because sometimes she struggles with words.
Hopefully she is serious about this and not going to slip into the same habits but I’m willing to support her. We all have our flaws and the most important thing Is to recognise there is a problem.
Thank you everyone, you might be all getting wedding invites next year. Obviously joking will see how this plays out but here is to hope
