I (23f) agreed to allow my boyfriend (27m) to sleep around and now I regret it.
Earlier this year, I agreed to let my boyfriend of 3 years have no-strings attached hook ups outside of the relationship as long as he followed some rules (use protection, don’t bring them into your bed, etc.).
I allowed this because he expressed to me that variety is something he and many other men desire. I care about him a ton, and wanted to do what I could to accommodate him and his needs.
Before giving him permission, I gave a lot of thought to whether or not I would be okay with the arrangement. I ultimately decided that him occasionally sleeping with a stranger won’t have any major impact on the relationship, and gave the go-ahead.
Now that the deed has been done, however, my thoughts have completely changed.
While nothing in the relationship has objectively changed- he just spent one night with a girl, an event that should have zero effect on me at all.
I can’t explain why it hurts so much knowing what happened behind closed doors. I felt actual pain in my heart thinking about him sleeping with someone else, but for the life of me I can’t explain why.
I would like to talk to him about this, but I fear that a “feelings” argument simply wouldn’t be enough. I wonder if I feel this way because of my own fear and insecurities, and if so, is it fair to push that onto him? Shouldn’t I address those issues with myself before asking him to neglect a need of his?
Did I screw up by allowing him to do this? Is it too late to go back to monogamy? I feel like I made a huge mistake.
Edit: Some clarifications:
he gave me permission to sleep around as well if I wanted
he asked me this in Jan 2023, I waited a month before saying yes, and he finally acted this week