I recently found out my boyfriend of 3 years paid for sex (prostitutes) when he was younger and question his values because he introduced the world of prostitutes to his brother.
This is gonna be REALLY long, but I’m seeking for advice on my situation. I have a boyfriend of 3 years and he really loves me (vice versa). He will always put my needs before him and is faithful during the span of our relationship. However, I recently found out about something he did when he was in his early 20s that makes me question him/our relationship.
To elaborate on what happened, he was young and single (and kind of desperate) back then, so he paid for prostitutes to satisfy his needs. I understand from his standpoint because they have their needs, and his only outlet then was paying for sex. I guess it’s the same idea as people having one-night stand and the only difference is he paid for it so I’m actually not judging his promiscuous lifestyle back then since it was before he met me. But what made me angry/sad was his selfishness of not letting me know when we first started this relationship, and instead only telling me 3 years down our relationship (read along the lines of potentially contracting STDs). Yes, he got himself checked and he is clear (but what if the hypothetical 0.000001% chance he was not?).
I personally feel that he is really selfish for not letting me know and he could at least let me know out of respect at the start of our relationship. Whether or not I want to commit to this relationship even after he disclose his past is my choice. What he told me was, he really cherishes our relationship, and he is scared that I will leave him after he tells me the truth (especially since it’s the beginning of the relationship and stakes were still pretty low). I thought it was really selfish of him to do that. Because it’s really a fact right now that I’m 3 years invested in this relationship and the stakes are so high that I can’t just walk away. I felt really angry because I FELT (personal opinion) he got exactly what he wanted and I’m really playing in the palm of his hand. Disclaimer, he is faithful to me and treats me really well now. He isn’t cheating on me or visited prostitutes during our relationship. But I can’t help but feel anger towards his selfishness.
I know what some of you might say, let the past be the past. He isn’t obliged to tell me, and a lot of guys actually have similar past but they don’t usually tell their other half to “protect” the relationship, etc. So yes, I acknowledge that and I really appreciate him telling me the truth. But there’s more to this story than the above, which made me question him/his values.
Timeline: this was also during his early 20s when he was living his best life as described above. He has a brother who is very much older than him. Back then his bro was married to his wife (not sure how long they were married for, but they were together for at least 10 years). I am also not sure how the marriage spiralled, but there was once my bf and his bro went for a drink and his bro told him about how there might be something going on between him and his MARRIED female colleague. At that point in time when his bro told him, the cheating hasn’t happened YET. But what really irked me was my bf’s suggestion/advice to his bro. He told his bro something along the lines of “if you’re just itching, I have contacts for prostitutes. But DON’T ever start a relationship with your female colleague. She is married ffs” (paraphrased). When he told me this, my mind was blown because he clearly thinks it’s less of an issue when it comes to physical cheating vs emotional cheating (disclaimer: I get it that some people think physical and emotional cheating are different things altogether, but what I’m trying to drive at is that I PERSONALLY am against both physical and emotional cheating, hence the idea is more about my bf and my personal values are not aligned).
He said in his defense, he currently thinks both physical and emotional cheating are equally bad. He was young and pretty drunk and he is aware now that his values were questionable back then. Anyway, his bro eventually cheated physically AND emotionally and the marriage broke apart. After introducing his bro to the world of prostitutes, his bro engage in such services frequently (after he and his wife divorced).
Let’s talk about temptation. Recently my bf and his bro were casually eating (and drinking) along the streets of Geylang, and his bro was itching. So he told my bf he’s gonna find prostitute, and HAD THE AUDACITY to ask my bf if he wanted to go as well. Mind you, his bro is 100% aware of my existence and we literally hangout together (as a trio). I’m talking about going out for meals and even travelling together as a trio. More than anything, I really lost ALL respect for his bro and I simply do not want to have any interaction with him EVER. In my bf’s defense (once again), he didn’t agree to it/didn’t cheat on me and was waiting outside the chicken coop instead. He also said his bro could be just joking when he asked him if he wanted to come along. Like if my bf were to agree to it, his bro would most probably question him if he was serious. But hey, this is a mystery we’ll never unravel. My bf is all about giving his bro the benefit of doubt, but they are family after all, so you will surely side family no? Doesn’t matter to me, I simply lost all respect for his bro as a person because he’s got really questionable morals (to me, not my bf).
It really got me thinking about how it’s a vicious cycle of temptations. Back then he introduced his bro to the world of prostitutes and unknowingly enabled his “physical” cheating ways. Right now it circled back such that his bro could possibly and easily enable my bf to cheat, so my bf could possibly be more prone to cheating. I know I sound really paranoid and pathetic, but I really can’t help thinking in this 0 to 100 way because my logical state of mind is failing me. I don’t know how/what to think about this and I really need some advice/enlightenment (his selfishness, potential temptations, etc.)
I’m also finding it really difficult to reconcile with the whole physical vs emotional cheating theory he mentioned back then. Although he regretted what he said, it still makes me question his innate values. It just kind of planted this seed of insecurity/doubt in me such that in the future if he ever itches, he can simply go about his philandering ways? Although he isn’t cheating on me today, but what if he cheats on me a year later? 3 years later? 10 years later? The stakes are only going to get higher as time goes by. He says he won’t cheat, but all guys say the same bs. I’m just thinking in the future, will I ever look back at my stupid self today for seeing the red flags but not acting on it by leaving this relationship just because he hasn’t cheated YET.
P.s. appreciate if you can give me some tips to deal with his bro in case we are ever forced to be in the same setting because I’m not going into the whole “if your bro and I drop into the sea, who will you save first” rabbit hole. Seriously, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I simply can’t hide my disdain towards people I have no respect for.