Very very long story. TW : Physical + Mental manipulation, Unalive attempt.
This will be a long story. Also, I understand the amount of hate I will get, however, I deserve the hate. In fact, I don’t deserve anything good in life after what I did. I just need to get this off my chest. Also for the admins, I did my best to censor sensitive words. If there’s any I miss please help me replace or censor them a lil. This is for awareness purposes.
This happened between 2013 – 2017. And to cover up his real name, I’m going to call him Henry in this post.
Henry was the greatest guy anyone could ever be with. He’s every girl’s dream guy in terms of personality. He’s very understanding, funny, joyful, mature, romantic, smart, a great cook, non-judgemental, extremely loyal, extremely selfless, etc. For some bonus, he has a very handsome look. I dare to say that he’s near perfect.
But I destroyed that.
In 2013, when I met him, I fell in love with him after getting to know him for few months. I got some contacts to try to find out what kind of woman he would like to be with. After some digging, found out he only wants an understanding woman. To be honest, I’m not an understanding person. But to get him, I decided to pretend to be understanding. It works after a month or so. He asked me out and confessed his feelings for me.
He treated me so well. He cooked for me, he was my crying shoulder, he was my ear to listen to my problems, he was the light of my life.
But I was the total opposite. I gave nothing in return cause being understanding is so not me and I’m done pretending at that time.
After 6 months, I started to pick fights with him. He was so patient and handled it well, but I decided to fight him anyways. I want to see how far would he bend if things get real ugly.
I pulled his hair, I hit him, I kicked him, I pushed him, I yelled at him in public, I called him names, I humiliated him. After all that, all he did was apologizing for everything. Why? Cause I continuously gaslight him. He has soft heart, so when I hurt him he will always beg on his knees and say that everything is his fault. He even cries sometimes.
He doesn’t have a happy family. When he had a huge family problem, and say that he needed me, I ghosted him on purpose. I left him in the dark. Only when he recovered from whatever issues he was dealing with was when I got back with him. At one point he said “You used to be so understanding..I don’t know what I did that made you changed this way..if you’re not happy, please tell me. We can break up in peace. I don’t want you to be hurt by me anymore..if you’re hurt, then I’m hurt too..”. He still blames himself eventho I’m the problem.
What I did when he said that? I threatened to unalive myself if we ever break up. As always, he begged me not to do so. I did that just to make sure that I’m in control.
This goes on for years. Almost everyday. But he kept trying to be a good boyfriend to me. He never touch me or raise his voice at me whenever I caused a pointless drama.
Years later, in 2017, I said something horrible about his 18 year old cat that recently passed due to car accident. Something like “Its just a cat. Who cares? Get over it”. And that moment was the first time he showed a lil bit of anger. He told me to stop saying anything if I have nothing nice to say. I provoked him still, things get really really heated but I was still being immature and took the risk to see how far will he bend.. And..
He slapped me.
He slapped me so hard, I fell on the floor. I looked up to him and I saw an extremely furious face. I have never been so scared in my life. However, about 5 seconds later, his face changed immediately to regret, his hands were shaking, tears started falling from his eyes, and he immediately attended me, asking me if I’m okay repeatedly. His voice was in fear, his body was trembling, he was in a state of shock and he was in his knees checking if I’m okay. He repeatedly asking if I’m okay and that he’s very sorry. He was begging for my for forgiveness, repeatedly apologizing , to the point he forgot to breathe properly.
I just stared at him. I then told him to go away and leave me alone. He was begging still, but eventually, he left but he told me that once I’m okay to please contact him.
A week passed, but he always tried to call me. I ignored him all the time. Just to pass some time, I cheated on him with some guy in my class. This guy has no idea about Henry at all.
Days passed, I saw Henry, holding flowers and chocolates in front of my house. Apparently he wants to give it to me to say that he’s sorry. I told him I found someone else. He cried. He cried so hard he couldn’t breath. He was asking why but I didn’t give him any answer. I told him that I don’t need him and that this new guy is way better than him in every single way. I locked my main door and go to my room to sleep. Completely ignoring him.
The same day, at night, I got a call from his phone, I picked it up for some reason, and apparently it was his bestfriend (Let’s call him Joshua), informing me that Henry attempted to take his own life. He saw him trying to h*ng himself and stopped him. He said that he was physically harming himself in every way possible. His bestfriend had to call the neighbors for help. Henry was screaming and asking everyone to let him unalive himself and said that he’s a monster and that he deserves nothing in life. His hands, body, face, was full of cuts he inflicted on himself.
He ended up in the hospital in November 2017. When I went to the hospital to visit him, Joshua saw me and immediately stopped me. He asked me to go away. I insist to see Henry. And then Joshua told me everything that happened that night.
Right after Henry found out I have someone else, he called Joshua to meet him at his house. Joshua came and Henry was crying so hard that he vomited, asking him what did he do wrong. He kept asking if he’s enough, that he’s a good person, what he meant for me. He kept scrolling through his messages with me to see where did he go wrong. Joshua was there the whole time, learning more about me from the text messages. Hours went by and Joshua wants to buy some food for them both. He went out, grabbed Henry’s favorite food, only to find him trying to unalive himself. That’s where it all started that night.
I broke down after that and I decided to leave the hospital.
In the middle of December 2017, Henry was discharged (Was informed by some of my girl friends who knew him).
At that point, I felt guilt. It took that far to realized that I’m the monster. I’m the toxic one. I’ve destroyed him. I don’t deserve him.
He wasn’t the same after that. My girl friends who are still in contact with him told me that Henry has turned very heartless. He turned rude, he started arguing loudly whenever people tease him (even if it’s a friendly joke), he got involved in fights, he cursed a lot, and always being extremely defensive over the smallest matter. The only thing remain the same is his love for cats as my girl friends saw him regularly feeding the strays.
I guess his bad behavior is his defense mechanism of not letting anyone to step on him as I did..
I tried to be a better person since then. I started to work on myself, treat everyone nicer, serve community service, help stray animals, etc just to give back to society and help others.
But the guilt haunts me till this day. Nothing I do will ever unmake things in the past. I tried and I tried. But I’m a mess right now.
I know I will forever be living with this guilt.
I wanted to try talk to him. But I’m scared. I’m scared if he’ll react negatively. I don’t want him to be hurt anymore so I don’t know if I should..
5 years later, I saw him last week with someone else. They look like they’re married and…he looks so happy. Whoever that woman is…she treated him the way he deserves to be treated. I wish I did better…
To everyone out there, if your partner treats you great, please don’t try to make drama out of nothing just cause you’re bored. You’ll end up like me in the end.
You’ll also end up creating a bad guy in the process.
Appreciate your partner.
Appreciate the fact they love you and do everything for you.
Thank you for reading all the way..
Have a nice day.