here i am again, to seek advice. this time, it’s about my mother.
she has been diagnosed with bipolar type 1 (bpd1) and i am her sole caregiver. i’m 18 (f) and left alone with her without any relatives as they cut her off due to her illness. my dad has been out of the picture since i was young.
she has been in and out of imh since i was sec 3, approx every 2 years. she is unable to hold a stable job as she keeps getting admitted and upon discharge, she is less functional, thus affecting her ability to work. however, she is highly educated. it’s just that she’s on the extreme end of bpd, which means her relapses are a never-ending cycle, so her intelligence and qualifications doesn’t matter if she’s unable to cope with stress and keeps relapsing.
i’m in my final year of polytechnic, and i’m in one of the better courses (r4 ~7pt). i previously dropped out of a good jc as i thought getting a diploma and going straight to work would be a better idea, given the unpredictability of my mom’s illness. i’m determined to get a job first and then apply for uni or a part time degree once i’ve settled down.
as of now, my mom provides me allowance monthly, and that is all. my social worker and some imh personnel have told me that if it is not possible or ideal for me to be taking care of her, i have the option of keeping her inside for a few years until i settle down. it was also encouraged because i am “only 18” and i shouldn’t be responsible for my mother right now.
as her sole caregiver, ngl i’m really honestly very burnt out. i used to score straight As when my grandma was helping out too but now that she’s out of the picture, my grades have been impacted tremendously. i’ve also been working part-time but i think it’s just barely enough to cover the rest of my poly acad year.
my mom keeps gaslighting me and telling me she had it worse, even though people have been paying off her debts and cleaning up after her mess over and over again throughout her entire life. she also kept taking my savings away from me. she dumps all her emotional problems and vents onto me expecting me to be able to handle all of it on top of my own stress. i can’t, and she knows that, but she does it anyway because she has already pushed all her friends and loved ones away due to her crude and harsh words/actions. she also spam calls me and messages me every single day and it’s super distracting especially during class. this happens even if she’s not relapsing.
moreover, when she gets these relapses, she may harm people in public (she has tried to, multiple times before) thinking they are her “enemies” or “zombies” or whatever nonsense the voices in her head tell her. she will also perform stunts like strip in park beaches and i’m afraid one day she’ll get stomped or go viral, affecting her reputation forever. the police has always been involved and it’s very frustrating on my end.
i am aware that people with bpd do not have control over their actions, hallucinations and thoughts. i have been trying my best to understand her as a daughter. but for some reason, i am so freaking tired of being her daughter. my social worker called it “caregiver burnout”.
if i keep my mom inside for a couple of years, i’ll have to rely on myself financially etc, which i do not mind, although it will be very difficult. i will also forgo university for now. my mental health will definitely benefit from this option, but i’ll feel incredibly unfilial and bad. although my relatives cut her off, they are still in contact with me (they refuse provide me with any assistance, however) and will probably scold me for doing that.
if i discharge her after a month or so, the cycle will keep repeating but at least i’ll have some money to pull through university with the allowance she provides me (given she gets another job) and won’t have to worry as much about monthly expenses etc.
what should i do?
Netizens’ comments
I used to be a psychiatric nurse and I can see the drain in people’s families when they have someone with a severe mental illness. I’ve seen them progress for the better when their family member is committed and they have less of a worry and are able to recover.
I have an aunt with bpd with psychosis and fortunately (as much as that word works), she’s not violent. won’t take meds and unfortunately it’s only my mom (her caregiver) who ends up suffering from helping care for her as sometimes she skips baths, meals, etc.
If you’re able to get her committed, do it. It’s literally what’s best for you and your mom (and strangers she might hurt). It’s unlikely your mom will start being compliant with her medications and therapy to prevent herself from relapsing, or at least seeing the signs of a relapse happening and being able to get proper help.
Also, as you’ve said, you’re burnt out. Regardless of age (but worse since you are only 18), it’s hard to have such a physical, emotional, financial drain on you when you’re barely self-reliant. If it’s possible to commit her as a long-stayer, she should go.
after that, if you’re able to, get some help for yourself, whether it’s resources to help with finances or therapy for your own traumas, you need to start healing so you can recover from this.