While I don’t consider this S assault, I do go into detail and it could be triggering. I feel it’s necessary to explain how I feel. I’m sorry.
I’ve gone on a few dates with a guy that I met at a local bar. We have had S a few times, and up until Friday, it was great. I was very responsive, a lot of mutual attraction and energy, etc.
Spending time with this guy has been fun, but he seems to be pressing for a full-on relationship, and thanks to my last relationship I just don’t feel ready for that. I’ve been feeling uneasy with the prospect. There have been little red flags that make me think this dude really doesn’t know me well enough to start a relationship with me.
Anyway. Last Friday, we were scheduled to hang out and have a movie night at my place. I was hardly even in the mood to hang out, let alone have S. But, I didn’t want to be flaky, so we went forward with our plans and he came over.
The evening started off good. We watched two movies. He kept kissing me and clearly trying to initiate S. I wasn’t feeling it, and was thankful I had the movie to distract me.
But then the movie ended, and I ran out of a distraction. He kept kissing me. I kissed back, but I was not feeling in the mood at all. He moved to open my legs, and I immediately closed them and shifted my body away.
I was hoping that he would understand me enough to realize that this was an obvious move that I did not want S.
It wasn’t. He just kept pressing on, eventually opening my legs again. I was letting him kiss me, but not responding. I kept hoping my noticeable lack of participation would be enough. It wasn’t. He proceeded to take off my pants, and go down on me.
I’ll repeat that in our earlier S encounters, I was very responsive, vocally and physically. This time, I just…wasn’t. Completely dead fish. Silent, unmoving. He kept going. In my mind, I was testing him. How long was he going to keep this up without me responding, at all?
Well, he just kept going. He went from going down on me to having S with me. Again, all him — he was moving my legs, he was doing all the work. I just…laid there. Silent.
I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. In my mind at the moment, it was a “test”, but in retrospect it may be because years of dealing with this hyper-dog and shitty men have ingrained the mentality that once the ball is rolling so to speak, I can’t stop it. It’s not fair, it’s my fault for getting in that situation, etc.
Why didn’t I say anything?
He just kept going. I kept being totally unresponsive. Internally I was screaming, both mad and depressed. How? How does this guy not even know me the bare minimum to know that something is noticeably different from our last encounters? Is he just that blind or willingly ignorant because he’s just using me for S? He’s been pouring on the compliments and “relationship” kind of actions, and yet…this?
I could feel tears welling up. I was reaching a breaking point. Without a word, I pushed him out and off of me, the only real action I had taken since the start. He finally asked me what was wrong. I mumbled that I was tired. I couldn’t explain what was going on in my head. We went to bed, and he left in the middle of the night.
He wants to hang out again. I really don’t want to. That last experience left me…I don’t know. Upset. I’m still processing it. I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know what to say to him. I’d like to think he just really had no clue that I wasn’t into it, in which case I feel it’s unfair to unload on him that that was an awful encounter for me.
But…how could he not know? I’m more upset at myself I think. Why didn’t I say anything? I don’t know what to do.
It makes me really sad that I’m still trying to process this.