Throwaway for obvious reasons because my friends use Reddit and if they saw this, the whole dynamic would just… implode. I just need to get this off my chest because the guilt is starting to eat me alive, but I also don’t know if I want to stop.
I’ve always been a “bro” girl. Since poly days, I’ve only ever hung out with guys. I’m that girl in the group chat who talks about Dota, drinks tower after tower at Tanjong Pagar, and joins the guys when they go to Luohan to “find girls.” To them, I’m just “one of the boys.” They talk about their crushes and their one-night stands in front of me without any filter because, in their eyes, I don’t have a gender. I even help them wingman at the club. It’s a role I’ve played so well that it’s become my entire identity.
But here’s the part I can’t tell anyone: the “bro” thing is a total front when the alcohol hits.
Whenever we have our sessions—usually at someone’s condo or a quiet KTV—and the Martell starts flowing, the vibe shifts for me. They still treat me like a dude, joking around and being rough, but when I get past a certain point of being drunk, I just… let them have their way. It’s never forced, and it’s never “romantic.” It’s messy, casual, and completely unspoken. Sometimes it’s just one of them, sometimes it’s more.
The worst part? The next morning, we go right back to being bros. We’ll go eat Bak Kut Teh at 3:00 AM, and they’ll be talking about the chiobu they saw at the pub earlier that night, and I’ll just nod and laugh along like nothing happened. They don’t catch feelings, and they don’t treat me any differently. I’m still the person they call to help them move house or talk about football.
I feel like I’m living a double life. On one hand, I love the friendship and the protection they give me in public. On the other hand, I feel like a convenience. I’m basically a “bro” with benefits that they don’t even have to put effort into. I know people will say I have no self-respect or that I’m being used, but it’s addicting. I’m terrified that if I stop letting them “have their way,” I’ll lose the only friends I have. I’d rather be a “bro” they sleep with than a girl with no friends at all.
Is anyone else in SG living like this? Or am I actually just losing my mind?