Living the life of a fat, ugly woman is even harder to explain. If you’ve never been that person, if you don’t pay attention to these things, you’ll never understand. (I have a BMI of 21 so probably not /that/ fat but I think I look huge no matter how much goddamn pilates and weight lifting I do.)
I’m made of transparent glass. People see straight past me, as if I’m not there. It’s awful to have to stand on the outside looking in as everyone – not just men, everyone – focuses on your more attractive friends (of which I have many!)
Unfortunately, the patriarchy (which I wish I could live to see the destruction of) has made it so that a woman’s worth is in her beauty. This has been indoctrinated in us from an early age, and I don’t have to bother giving you examples. If you don’t know what I mean, you’re choosing not to see it. Anyway, this all means that I am worthless as a woman because I am ugly. On top of that, I’m fat. Double whammy. I have a theory that you can be thin with an ugly face, or fat with a pretty face, but you should NEVER make the mistake of being fat with an ugly face. That’s a recipe for social exclusion.
It bothers me more the older I get. I catch up with old friends and they all share stories of their romantic experiences while I sit there, the silent wallflower with nothing to say. I am nothing like my peers – not because I’m pretentious and believe I’m ‘not like other girls’. Oh, how I wish I were like other girls. I’m nothing like my peers because there’s a whole world I don’t get to experience.
Don’t get me wrong, I get out enough to know that you don’t have to look like a model to be in a relationship. You can be unattractive and in a relationship! As a dark skinned black woman my dating pool is naturally smaller, and I have my doubts as to whether I could ever truly be anyone’s first choice because of my skin (something else to unpack entirely, I know). What bothers me more than the singleness is the dehumanisation. It’s so frustrating.
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to get off my chest. I’m going back to therapy on Friday because I’m obsessing over this shit again and honestly, I’d rather just stop caring.