I hate everything about being a girl and I feel so alone and angry and like there’s no hope for me.
I’m a 19-year-old girl and everything about it makes me want to die. It genuinely feels like being born female was a curse. It sounds like a dramatic exaggeration but it’s true. I just need to get this off my chest. It’s driving me so insane and I don’t know where to put all this anger or if there’s any way to alleviate it.
Also, sorry if there are any spelling mistakes or anything in here because I haven’t proofread it, I just need to let this out.
I love women, I think women are great. Nothing I talk about is my opinion of how women truly are, it’s about all the stereotypes and expectations that come with being a girl. I know it’s all essentially complete fucking bullshit but that doesn’t change how badly it all affects me.
Every single day I wish I was born a boy. I’m not trans — I don’t have gender dysphoria and I don’t feel like I am or should be a boy. In actuality, my gender identity is close to being some form of non binary, but I call myself a girl anyway because the way I experience my life is as a girl and as a feminine presenting person I will never be seen by others as anything but a girl.
I hate being expected to be nurturing, empathetic and loving. I’m not a bad or mean person, that isn’t what I mean, but I’m in the process of being diagnosed with some form of a disorder related to empathy. I feel so completely different from other women and girls and it makes me feel broken in a way. I see the way they all talk about how much more empathetic and kind they are compared to men and it makes me want to scream because people always put these expectations on women as a whole and I’m so sick of this stereotype. ‘Women are naturally empathetic and loving’ has been shoved down my throat my entire life.
I hate being expected to one day get married and have children. I don’t want to do either. I hate being told women are naturally good with babies or all have motherly instincts. This is another specific area I feel like I’m ‘broken’ in. This is a funny example but it’s just to show how oddly ingrained into me this is: since I was very little I’ve always hated babies which was weird since I’d never ever been around them or experienced one.
I feel a deep sense of disgust towards very little kids (not necessarily a hatred) and I know this is normal because they’re gross, but still. I hate being expected otherwise just for being a girl. I don’t mind older kids but I don’t feel anything positive towards them as a whole. I have absolutely no parental instincts whatsoever and I know I’d never have children of my own. I feel completely awkward and uncomfortable around babies and kids.
I hate being expected to be quiet and docile and not take up space. I hate how growing up I was held to such a higher standard than my brothers. They were allowed to be messy and loud and careless, I wasn’t. I was expected to be mature and logical and tidy. I was never allowed to mess up or act like normal kids like they were. In family photos, they’d be made to laugh and I’d be told to SUCK MY STOMACH IN (I was a skinny kid, by the way, but that isn’t my point).
I’m scared for my future. Every time I think about it I feel sick. I want to work in something involving chemistry but I’ve heard so many horror stories about how women are treated unfairly in STEM careers and it makes me so anxious. I hate that I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they’re all boys and won’t understand.
I’m scared of not being taken seriously in a workplace with more men than women. And more involving my future, I hate being SCARED TO EVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN in case he’s in the worst case abusive and controlling, or at a lesser extent doesn’t treat me like a equal or expects certain traits from me just for being a girl. I can’t ever vision myself being anything but completely alone my entire life because I don’t know what kind of man would ever want to be with a woman like me who doesn’t want physical intimacy, doesn’t want children, and doesn’t have a single soft bone in her body.
And this one particularly hurts. I feel a complete sense of disconnection from other women and girls and it makes me so genuinely sad. All my friends are guys and I love my friends, they’re all great, but I wish I had just one girlfriend. And PLEASE don’t get this twisted – I’m not one of those ‘guys are less drama, girls are annoying’ people at all. Actually, my guy friends are so much drama. That isn’t what this is about. All I want is to feel included by other girls and be friends with them but I don’t know how. My whole life I’ve been severely bullied by other girls because they see me as different and weird. Not that guys were even nice to me whatsoever, they just didn’t go particularly as hard on me as the girls around me. I’ve never done anything back to anybody and have always completely minded my own business, but from an extremely young age I’ve always just been targeted. All I want is to be friends with other girls. I didn’t even realise how bad this affected me until right now as I’m typing this. I feel so genuinely upset at how alien I feel around other girls and I wish I was just fucking normal. This is probably because of how I was treated growing up but every time I’m in a group with just girls for a class or project or anything I feel so sick because I know they see me as weird compared to them and they treat me like shit. I don’t understand it. I haven’t done anything so why am I a target.I just don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I CAN do. I’m just stuck like this forever.