I slept with a sugar daddy who scammed me and I pretend it never happened.
He lured me in with a simple text on the seeking website—$3,000 per month, with an extra $500 just for an initial meetup.
I had walked this path before, meeting men who’d handed me $200 for a simple lunch date or $800 for more intimate encounters.
I’m well aware that there are more honest ways to earn a living, but I was obsessed with fast and easy money. I didn’t stop to consider the toll it would take on my soul and my body.
I know many might say I brought this upon myself and that I needed to learn the hard way, but to survive the aftermath, I built walls around my mind and pretended everything was alright.
This was uncharted territory for me. I went to meet him, and the dinner was just okay. I put on my facade of control, as I always did, but when he began talking about money, he could sense my interest immediately.
He dangled things in front of me, like “I can get you that designer bag if you work hard enough for it.” And then, he offered me $700 on the spot.
I ended up meeting him at a hotel, and it turned out to be the most nightmarish experience of my life. I couldn’t even pretend to enjoy it.
He asked if it was good and tried to convince me he was big when he really wasn’t. I told him he was, but deep down, I knew he didn’t believe me.
I didn’t fully grasp the gravity of my actions because I kept repeating to myself, “I really need the money.” Then, he handed me two gift cards—one with $500 and another with $200.
My naivety struck me when I found them empty when I got home. He texted me back the next day, and when I asked about the cards, he stopped responding. And that was that.
I hold a good job, attend school, and am blessed with a wonderful circle of friends. Yet, I allowed this darkness to infiltrate my life. What does this say about me? I’m cheap right? Prostitute?
The intercourse was consensual, but it was far from enjoyable, and he ruthlessly exploited my vulnerability. The shame that gnaws at me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, but my way of coping has been to erase it all and pretend it never occurred.
But it did happen. I allowed a man to use my body for his pleasure, and he cunningly scammed me in the process. I’m burdened by a sense of repulsion, but paradoxically, I feel nothing at all because, in a twisted way, I believe I brought it upon myself.
Perhaps this is my karma; I don’t know how to make sense of it. I may appear fine now, but deep down, I’m far from it.
I just need to share this with all of you, to let these emotions flow freely. I’m still so young, and I’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s a pain I hope to never endure again. My path ahead is one of healing, of dedicating myself to my studies and my career.
Sometimes when before I sleep I can smell him, or hear his voice when I close my eyes. But I have to tell myself, over and over, that it was never real, that it never truly happened. The pain is so overwhelming, and the burden feels unbearable, but I have to find a way to move forward.