I could only wish that I had you
I think I am in love with my talent manager. This feeling is inexplicable. We were purely professional at the beginning and I did not expect myself falling for my manager. I am still in disbelief because I don’t think we are the ideal type for each other. I think feelings were developed over time though I am not sure how my manager feels about me. Sometimes there were small moments where I could feel the sparks between us. And we vibe well.
We got into arguments occasionally and I tend to overthink when the unwanted emotions get to me. So many things were going through my head. I tried to let go of this feeling and told myself to keep things normal. My manager handles a few other talents but I could tell more attention was given to me somehow and I enjoy the disagreement as it makes me feel that my manager cares for me. I can’t go without a day thinking about my manager. Weekends are a torture for me as I know I wouldn’t be getting any work texts.
I have the urge to confess and despite all the possibilities, I know none of it will turn out well. I wouldn’t want to risk both of our careers. Ideally, if this is mutual, the only way to start is by keeping it discretely. Yes, an underground relationship with many potential issues that might backfired.
There are many uncertainties at this point. It’s never about “love wins it all”. I wish it could be as simple as how it would be for others but we can’t afford to make one wrong move due to the nature of our jobs. I really don’t know how to advance. I don’t want to live my life with regrets but nothing seems possible for as long as we are still in this industry.
And to my manager who happens to read this someday, I just want you to know that all these fluctuating feelings on top of knowing how our working relationship tend to complicate things far worse than what already is. Then again, I think of the present moment and feel blessed that I’m with you – though in a different context but still, in that moment if you get what I mean. I’ve even dreamt of you sometimes. We were holding hands, going on dates and doing things that I could only imagine. I would wish for that dream to continue the following night. When I meet you in person, I can’t say it all on your face because the moment I see you, everything goes out of focus, I feel like I’m in a mess and can’t say even half the things I want to say. I flustered and stumbled over the words.
I know I am way more flawed than the perfect individual you are looking for. Nonetheless, I am still holding onto a little glimmer of hope that one day we might be together but at the same time, it’s probably better for me to move on. It’s true, we can have everything in this world, but never all at once. Thank you for caring for me in a different way. I see you being an important part of my career, sharing a few good moments, thoughts and success. I know I am getting those signals wrong. You probably make everyone around you feel the way you make me feel, and you care deeply for everyone around you.
If you are really reading this, please give me a hint. I wish we can give each other a chance and try to make this works. You’re already managing my career, so why not manage my life as well? :’)