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Saturday, June 10, 2023


BF doesn’t initiate S-



My (36M) boyfriend of 2 years doesn’t initiate s- with me (28F), or rarely does.

He has slept with numerous women while single and told me he had a high s- drive. Since we got together, I noticed fairly early that he wouldn’t initiate s- that much, and usually only when hungover (seems to boost his libido).

He has a history of cheating in previous relationships which he says is due to him being with people that withhold s-. He says he is happy with me and seems committed because I am fairly as high s- drive as him.

For most of the relationship, he probably only initiates about once a month. We have s- about once a week on average but its nearly always me starting. He seems generally satisfied when we do have s-.


We live together and I wfh. We have separate rooms but several days a week I sit with him in bed and we watch stuff/ spend time together. In general he is fairly affectionate and most of the time will respond if I initiate but I generally feel if I didn’t, he wouldn’t.

I noticed that he watched adult films a lot (I saw it was the most watched site on his browser home page). I think he watches it about 3-5 days a week but I’m not certain.

I’ve told him I wouldn’t want to be with someone who watches adult films more than they initiate s- with me and he says its not like that and he doesn’t prefer adult films to s-. He once showed me the adult films he watched at it was surprisingly vanilla so I don’t think I’m missing some secret link.

I have spoken to him about how I feel numerous times. His responses range from saying he does initiate it, to telling me it doesn’t matter as long as we have s-, or blaming me.

Recently he just said he has a lower s- drive than me and I make it worse by talking about s- (he even thinks its weird if I talk about s- after the event like when asking him if he liked it). He also refuses to believe its an issue and won’t listen when I say it makes me feel unwanted when its always me.


I feel he’s choosing adult films over me, he says its not like that and he only watches it if he can’t sleep etc. He also downplays how much he watches it. I caught him using Onlyfans, this was a one off but he knew I wouldn’t be okay with that (I feel its different as its paid and about one person). (I don’t think he is otherwise cheating).

I have asked him to make time for us to have s-, which has said he doesn’t like as he doesn’t like talking about it and wants spontaneity. But I feel this is blaming me, when in reality, if I don’t mention it its the same result.

He says he likes it to happen after we’ve cuddled etc but most of the time he’ll just let me go to bed after we’ve spent time together without initiating.

If I took my clothes off in his room most of the time he wouldn’t look… yet whenever we go on his laptop together the last google searches after often celebrities in their birthday suit etc.

I asked him once if he doesn’t like my body and if he sometimes feels like he wants it but just not for me. He basically said yeh sometimes but not often and it shouldn’t matter as he still finds me attractive.

I have gained a bit of weight since we met but I’m still fairly average.

My take is that if his s- drive is low, why does he need to watch adult films more than he initiates s- with me (I know self love and s- are different thing, but still doesn’t sit well with me).

My gut feeling is that there is an issue with adult films but he doesn’t see it.

I feel he is quite a s-ual person but just not with me.

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