My fiance and I have been together for five years. He’s the love of my life and I literally can’t imagine being without him. So the thought of doing this is making my stomach roll.
He was adopted and neither he nor his parents knew much about his medical history. A few weeks ago, he met his biological brother for the first time and found out that his birth father had passed from Huntington’s disease.
There’s a 50% chance that my fiance also has the genetic defect that causes Huntington’s, but he refuses to get tested.
It’s not the disease I’m scared of, it’s the not knowing. If we know he’ll get it, we can prepare financially, practically, and emotionally. He says a positive test result will hold him back from living his life, but I feel like it’s the opposite. How can we live with this giant maybe looming over us? How can I make smart decisions on where to live, how to budget, or even whether or not to have biological children with this man if I’m not allowed to have all the facts?
So, I’ve come to the decision that I have to break it off. I respect his decision, but I can’t understand or accept it.
I have literally no one I can talk to about this because it’s his secret and not mine to tell.
I just want to clarify a few things up here:
- I would not leave him if he tested positive for the defect. I would not leave him if he got sick. I just want to plan for us to be able to afford the best life and care for him if he does – which means we’d have to start immediately.
- I don’t want or need ‘perfect’ children. That isn’t realistic. But it is possible to avoid them being subjected to a 50/50 chance of having this disease. Of course there are alternative options, but again: they involve preparation and planning. I’m more than willing to take a full genetic panel as well.
- Yes one or both of us could get cancer, or permanently disabled in an accident, or any other number of things. But I’ve come to learn that you can’t plan for every unpredictable thing life throws at you – this is the rare occasion that we do have the opportunity to prepare.
- Essentially it comes down to the fact that we’re incompatible, regardless of how much we love each other. I’m a planner and he’s very laid back. Until now, these traits have complemented each other, but unfortunately they’ve brought us to an impasse that I don’t think we can both move forward from happily.