He used to flick me in the mouth when he didn’t like what I was saying
I felt like such a child and I hated it I don’t know why it stands out to me more than anything else he did.
One small thing would end up with him going way over the top and staring at me while I was stunned on the floor.
He used to laugh to himself and say things like “I can’t believe I ended up with someone who looks like you, I thought I had such higher standards”.
He would never laugh at anything I said or validate it even if he thought it was funny or agreed with me, I would have to say that somebody else said it to get any credibility.
If I was good at anything in front of anybody else he was outwardly demeaning and negative about it. If I had an opinion about anything that he couldn’t ‘outsmart’ or something he would lose his mind and we would have an argument over it. He lost it over me disagreeing that aliens came to Earth.
He was an extremely violent and dehumanizing person in so many ways yet him flicking me in the mouth is what I remember most and what I’m most embarrassed about.
I hate that as a woman I have to be afraid of how insanely likely it is that I will fall into a relationship like this again if I don’t stress about it enough to catch the signs of an oncoming predator.
I have no idea how to approach dating again because of how afraid I am of this kind of nonsense happening again. And I hate how resentful I am about that.
I hate that I feel bitter over being a woman because of how common this is. Not even like 1 in 10 type common, like being robbed or something, like 1 in every 3 men will hurt you and not care (or even notice).
If I overlook two or three behaviors I could be in serious danger and I hate that men just have no idea that this is a thing.
It’s always that “I didn’t do enough”, “I’m just naive” or “just don’t stand up for myself”. I just “let it happen”.
Not only do I have to face the humiliation of what I went through just by thinking about it and coming to terms with it having been real, but now I have to answer to whoever I end up with next.
Which means now I have to factor in trying to find someone who understands this. Not only does that make dating a meticulously exhausting process, but a cripplingly disappointing one.
I don’t know. This ended up more angry than I intended. I don’t know where else to get this out of my system, thanks for sitting through it if you did. Being a woman is such a scam.