Yeah, so my mother just died.
I don’t want to get too much into the details, but the shock is still fresh and I’m still trying to digest the whole situation while grieving, I don’t know what to do.
I can’t breathe and it feels like I’m drowning, I’m having panic attacks because it suddenly hit me that I will never see my mum ever again.
When I walk into the kitchen, there won’t be food she prepared sitting on the table anymore, or the clothes that she folded set neatly on my wardrobe.
I still have her clothes hanging inside her room, and I feel myself dying inside knowing that she will never put on these clothes ever again.
Her half eaten ice kachang is still inside the freezer, I opened the fridge and just stared at it for a little while, hoping she had enjoyed it while she was still alive.
Her shoes are still at my front gate, and her socks are still tucked inside, and I find myself wondering where these shoes have taken her, has she finally made it to heaven?
Over the years, I have always been complaining about her nagging; she would call me incessantly and ask me what time was I going home, have I eaten, where was I, who was I with, and I would always get disgruntled and scold her over the phone, shout at her to leave me alone to let me live my life.
Sometimes she would call me while I was out having a good time with my friends, and I would just reject her repeated calls because I would get embarrassed in front of my friends that my mother was still checking on me at my age.
But what I would give for just one more phone call with her, to hear her angelic, beautiful voice again, for just a split second. I want her to nag at me again, but now I realise that I will never receive that incoming call from “mum” ever again, I will never hear her voice calling my name ever again.
She will never get the chance to watch me get married, have my own children and carry her grandchildren.
I touched her body at the hospital and it was cold, there was no more life in her… I watched as my mother left this world and I stood there crying like a baby.
I miss you mummy, please come back to me. I’m sorry for being the worst son in the world, I just want you to hold me again and tell me everything will be alright. I’m scared to be alone in this world without you, and I don’t know how to carry on. Please tell me what to do, I miss you mummy…
Editor’s note: Sorry for your loss brother, stay strong.