So I (29M) have been seeing a girl (26F) for a couple of months now.
We started hanging out in mid March, and things have started to feel pretty serious. I’ve been seeing her exclusively since we started a relationship, We’re hanging out 2-3 times a week, including staying over. She is popping by my job to say hi, bringing food for me and my coworkers, and she’s pretty much been on track to meet my friends. Every time we hang out it’s tons of laughs, smiles, and lots of physical attention. She’s mentioned several times telling her friends and family about me, and she has met a couple of my friends. We text or talk on the phone every day.
There’s been some weird red flag stuff though, for example I’ve never been to her apartment and she pretty much refuses to let me see it. She always just comes to my place. The other is, we haven’t really ever had a “real” conversation. Any time relationship level conversations come up, the subject is changed or we go into jokes. We have had lots of other conversations, and we talk a lot, but it’s always avoided when it goes there. Whatever I suppose, she wants to take it slow?
Well I’ve been feeling strange about the whole relationship. Today she fell asleep and her phone was next to me. I know I shouldn’t have looked through it. I feel really guilty, I know it’s an invasion of her privacy, and it’s an overall lame move. But, I picked up her phone and searched my name in her texts.
There were a hand full text threads that had my name mentioned, but I picked the most recent one and a second one from a friends name I recognized from her stories.
The first one was two weeks ago. The girl I’m seeing sent a screenshot of a guy hitting on her, and I guess it’s a long time crush of hers. Her and the friend she sent it to make lots of lewd jokes, and she said something like “I like OP, but let me know if you bang ___”
The other thread was at the end of March, right around the time we started seeing each other and the first time she stayed the night at my place. Basically, she was describing our intimacy as extremely awkward, she was telling her friend that my manhood was small, and they laughed about my lack of game. Then the friend asks “Do you like OP?” To which she replied, “As a person, yeah. But I’m not into it.” Then they both casually mentioned the few other guys she’s been seeing and sleeping with and how they’re bad.
I feel embarrassed, but also extremely confused. I put her phone back immediately after reading the second thread and shut it. There was more to read, but my hands were shaking and I felt so stupid.
That conversation was a month and a half ago, clearly she’s continued to see me, and she is always extremely enthusiastic about intimacy and she’s often the one initiating. We’ve had conversations about our intimacy, and she has always been overwhelmingly positive to me.
I’m feeling neutral about her seeing other people. We’ve never had a conversation about this being exclusive, so I didn’t expect her to be, but I also didn’t expect what I saw. More than anything, my jaw dropped about how she was talking about me. I couldn’t imagine speaking about an intimate experience that way to my friends, let alone being so derogatory.
I’m trying to sort out if this was just an instance of her talking shit with her friends, but it also seems so unlike the person I’ve been seeing for the past couple of months.
I know it’s not fair of me to judge someone based on an isolated text that wasn’t even meant for me, but I am also feeling incredibly insecure and hurt over this. In equal amounts, I’m feeling large pangs of guilt for going through her phone.
After a few minutes of trying to process, it was midnight and she said she had to leave at that time. So I woke her up and walked her to her car. She mentioned twice that she was upset I didn’t wake her up earlier, because she wanted to get down to it. That made my stomach sink, and I laughed it off. I was obviously being really weird.
She sent me a text apologizing for sleeping so long, and asked if I wanted to see her Wednesday.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to feel, and I’m not sure how to approach a conversation with her about this, or even if I should at all.
Thanks for reading, sorry it’s so long. Typing on mobile if format is poor. Throwaway because I’m embarrassed