I’ve been with my boyfriend about three years (living together about a year). Prior to him I had a five year relationship with an older guy, that ended about a year before my current relationship.
My boyfriend brought up maybe 6 months ago how I’d feel about calling him ‘Daddy’ in bed. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and didn’t want to. He let it go. A few days ago we ran into my ex. He acted really nice, introduced himself to my boyfriend, then made a comment about how he’d have expected my boyfriend to be older, looks a little young to replace him as ‘Daddy’ and laughed.
My boyfriend didn’t really say anything to it, and I quickly said goodbye and rushed us out the door. The car ride was quiet, but when we got home he stormed to our bedroom and slammed the door.
Went in trying to talk to him but he refused. Just spread his entire body across the bed so I couldn’t get on it as well. It was late, so I went to sleep on the couch for the night. The next day he left for work before I woke up, then came back late. So I tried to talk to him again. He says he’s hurt and upset that I lied to him about feeling uncomfortable with calling someone that, and that he realizes now I just don’t want to call him that.
And I don’t think I explained it well to him. That I am uncomfortable with it. My relationship with my ex was a trainwreck of bad decisions for years. I met him when I was 19 and he was 36, he became pretty controlling pretty quick but I didn’t really notice. I thought I loved him. He asked me to call him that, and I was an infatuated idiot. He was older, mature, had his life together, took care of me, and supported my university and career goals. So I just did it and felt ok with it at the time. Near the end of our relationship, I was realizing he was more controlling than I was happy with and he wasn’t treating me like an equal partner like I wanted. It went from he’s protective and helpful, to he’s restrictive and authoritative. So I broke things off, he didn’t take it well, but he never caused me any trouble. Breakup was clean, nothing crazy.
When my boyfriend suggested calling him that… it just gave me a bad feeling. Made me think of my ex. How controlling he got of me. How he wouldn’t treat me as an equal. And the idea of calling someone that is just very uncomfortable to me now, I didn’t lie. I tried to explain that to him but he kept insisting it was something about him. Saying apparently he’s not old enough, attractive enough, successful enough, and I don’t love him enough. And accused me of still loving my ex, and that if what I said is true I’d have told him when he asked. Which to me if my boyfriend asks that, and I turned around and go “no I don’t want to call you Daddy because it makes me think of my ex,” sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just saying I was uncomfortable, I thought was the best answer because I am.
He’s now barely spoken to me since that argument. He’s been locking the door to the bedroom at night, and has said he needs time to think, so I’ve just been sleeping on the couch and staying out of his way. I’m not really sure what to do. How to better explain this to him, or how to make it better? I’m really at a loss. I know he’s always been pretty insecure, but I’ve always told him I love him, find him attractive, and want to be with him. I’ve reminded him of that since this happened, and he just calls me a liar and walks away. He’s made a few passing comments as he walks past me about being surprised I’m home and not out with some middle-aged man or hitting my ex up. Which has really hurt. I feel like that entire relationship was a big dumb mistake, and I can admit that. But I’ve never cheated on my boyfriend, gave him any reason to think I’d cheat or didn’t want him until this situation that I guess now he feels that way.