Fiancée(m25) has not told his mother we’re getting married – Me(F24) raising major concern
This whole thing has a lot of details that I will try to condense as much as possible but to get started here’s some background. –
My fiancée(m25) and I(F24) have been dating for 9 years.
We have a 5 year old daughter together and have lived together since my pregnancy. His family has never been a big fan of me and has been fairly open about their distaste in the past – although more recently haven’t been as negative about me. I would say their dislike had it’s height at the end of my pregnancy –
when my partner made the choice not to tell them until I was already 8 months pregnant. I was not close to his family at this time in our lives’ other than the occasional visit so I did not feel at all comfortable being the one to tell them – I was 18 and trying to figure out how I was going to take of a baby.
When he did finally tell them – his mother specifically was horrible to me because I refused to move in with them rather than staying with my own parents who had already prepared space for me and baby.
His mother often brings up that she feels she is put 2nd to my own family and his very rude about. I’ve tried many times to reason with my fiancée that it is not that I mean to put my own family first by any means but simply that my family goes out of their way to include us where his family simply does not.
A good specific example is around the holidays – my family always has had a Christmas lunch rather than dinner and my partner’s family has a dinner. Since we all live in the same city we generally spend the morning with just us(myself, fiancée and daughter) Lunch/early afternoon with my family and Dinner/evening with his family.
Both families truly get equal time and if anything I have cut my time with my family short on the holidays to make sure we get to his families house at time the consider decent to avoid a fight.
Another example of their dislike is they have constantly asked him in the past ”why he likes me, why does he want to stay with me, is he really happy”.. etc.
It’s overall not been a great situation but I’ve tried my best to still be kind and I’ve never once kept my daughter or partner away from his family even when I have chosen to stay home or away from them after a major blow up from his mother.
Onto the most recent concern – I(24F) want to get married – I believe marriage is important and that especially since we have our daughter together, have been dating for 9+ years and living together for 5+ that we should get married.
I respect those who don’t want marriage or don’t view it as important but for me personally it is an important step that I want to take with my partner.
My partner on the other hand does not view it in the same light and has put it off many times. I finally told him this year that it was the next step for me in a relationship and that he needed to make a decision either it was for him as well or not.
He did ultimately ask me to marry him earlier this year(April 2022) and we have a set date for early next year(2023). I’ve told my family and close friends almost immediately out of excitement.
He on the other hand has not told a single soul besides his father. He told his father we were planning to get married but not any other detail as far as when.
His father told him that he was happy for him if that is what he wanted. His father and mother are together but his father has kept his lips sealed per his own choosing and even instructed my partner he shouldn’t tell his mother immediately as she was ‘already in a mood'(this was around end of April early may).
We are now at the end of July – and my partner has still not told anyone else about our engagement and the fact we are full swing planning a wedding together. He tells me that I should keep planning and that he does love me/wants to be with me but get’s extremely stressed/upset/angry/depressed anytime I bring up telling his family.
I’m very concerned that his mom is going to feel similar to how she felt when he did not tell her about our pregnancy. I feel at a loss of what to do because it’s not he is estranged from his parents it’s just a really odd relationship – like he almost seems fake around them.
Like he can tell them about his job, hobbies but not about our relationship what so ever. I don’t feel comfortable telling his mother based on past occurrence’s but also feel like a fraud sitting across from her over dinner and she asks what we’ve been up to – like oh you know just planning a wedding you know nothing about??
I love my partner and I do truly believe he love’s me but this is something he has not been able to work through – the communication with his family is awful and puts a lot of stress on me and I am worried how it will affect our daughter and our family unit moving forward. Like I either want them to be involved and supportive – or to stay the hell away from me and my family(my partner & child).