Lost my cherry at a luupup (special) massage parlor when I was 18, and honestly, the guilt trip now is real.
Back then, a few friends and I went across the causeway to JB to check out a massage place. The lady I chose led me into the room. I was super nervous, chao chui type. She told me to go wash up, so I took a shower and put my boxers back on. When I came out, she started the session while I was lying face down. But once I flipped over, nature took over and I was fully standing at attention. One thing led to another, protection was used, and we did the deed. The whole thing blew my mind. Even though I knew it was a transaction, she was genuinely nice and kept praising me, which felt good.
For someone who always suffered from extreme anxiety, that was practically the first time I felt any form of “affection” or attention from a girl. It actually gave me the confidence boost I needed back then to start talking to women properly. Because of that, I went back to such places two more times, and even did the same thing when I went holiday in Thailand.
At that time, I thought it was completely bo chup (acceptable/no big deal). But after doing a lot of self-reflection recently, I realize it’s not right and it’s quite damaging to everyone involved.
The worst part is, cannot talk about this openly with anyone. Feel like I’m living in my own isolated world. I am absolutely crippled by the shame of using chiong services / escorts in the past. I know I was just trying to cope using whatever state of mind I had back then, but the guilt still hits hard. When I think about dating or finding a proper girlfriend now, I get so sad that this is part of my history.
I don’t know how regular girls will view me, and right now, I’m just very disappointed in myself. Life has been an uphill battle for a long time, and I fought tooth and nail just to get my mental health to where it is today. It just hurts so bad when there are things in your past that you simply cannot Ctrl+Z.