my girlfriends poor hygiene is ruining our relationship
I (21F) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for 6 months. I am really deeply in love with her and really think we could spend the rest of our lives together except for one big problem: how she looks.
I know it sounds so shallow, and the last thing I want is to force her to be something she isn’t or make her feel bad about her appearance but it’s really starting to effect me. I’m embarrassed to be seen with her in front of people I know, and I’ve had some comments made to me already about how she looks and even smells. Mortifying.
To preface, I have always been very concious of my appearance. I am always clean and tidy looking, never unpresentable. Even on my off days I’m somewhat put together. I shower everyday, and don’t generally struggle with acne or body odour. I am not gorgeous or perfect by any means, but I definitely fit the feminine beauty standard. I am mindful of looking nice, and feel best when I put effort into my appearance. I certainly don’t expect everyone to put the same effort into their app arance, but being clean is definitely a must. I have definitely made lots of excuses for my girlfriend because I just love her so much, but I think I need to be honest with myself.
My girlfriend doesn’t shower much. she seems to think she’s still clean after 4 days of not showering when her hair is nearly sticky with grease. She’s a big girl and quite active in her daily life, so I can understand a little sweat. But by my standards, if you’ve worked up a sweat then you need to shower, right? She seems to think she doesn’t smell bad at all and doesn’t wear deodrant, but I’ve never met someone who needs it as badly as she does. She has quite strong body odour, but seems to not be bothered to do anything about it. Even though I’m so attracted to her, I struggle to ignore the smell and it’s definitely a mood killer. I’ve tried to be subtle by gifting her deodorant and perfume, and always complimenting her if she smells good, but she just says she can’t smell it so she doesn’t care and that I’m just being picky.
She struggles also with cystic acne. This would be fine if she didn’t pick at it all the time, even in public. I’ve caught her eating the pus from her zits, she doesn’t even seem to know she’s doing it. A friend of mine even mentioned that she saw her eat her zits, that was her first time meeting my gf so obviously a huge turn off. Undeniably gross. She refuses to do anything about getting her acne treated, despite it taking a toll on herself esteem. I don’t get why she won’t just see a doctor for it when it makes her feel bad about herself.
She tries to do her makeup but that only makes it worse. She never really learned to do makeup in a traditional sense, and instead uses it in a more artistic way. She uses bright colours on her eyes and lips, with nothing for her skin. Despite her best efforts she usually ends up looking clownish. I love how much she enjoys using makeup to express herself, but I’m honestly mortified to go out with her like this. I can hardly take her seriously, my friends don’t seem to get how I find her attractive at all. In particular, she’ll put makeup on when she hasn’t showered and her hair and skin are visibly greasy, which looks unfortunate and ridiculous.
She also isn’t very bothered about her clothes. She is very climate conscious, and thrifts most of her clothes. She likes bright colours and wants pieces that are comfortable for her active lifestyle. Despite the fact she loves to express herself through her colourful clothes, she doesn’t put much to fort into dressing. Her shirts are always crumpled, her pants stained, and she has holes in socks and underwear. Not to mention there’s cat hair all over EVERYTHING. Even though I wouldn’t wear bright colours I love that they make her so happy, and think they really suit her! I don’t expect her to change her aesthetic to match me or any of that shit, I’d just like for her clothes to look like they’ve been washed at some point.
I’ve tried my best to encourage her to be clean. I praise her lots when she showers, I always comment on how fresh she smells or how fluffy and shiny her hair is. I’ll wash her clothes and iron them if i get a chance. I’ll even entice her by inviting her to shower with me. I’ve made it very clear that I’m attracted to her most when she’s fresh and clean, but it’s not enough. She’s barely presentable most days of the week, somuchso that I’m embarrassed to be seen or associated with her.
I feel so guilty about saying any of this but it weighs on me so much. Aside from her hygiene and appearance, she would be my perfect partner. When she does shower and have clean clothes she looks so extremely beautiful and fresh, I’m so attracted to her. But that’s only a minority of the time. I hate that it sounds like I want to change her, but I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot, I just want to date someone CLEAN. Writing this post makes me upset, I really cherish our relationship but her cleanliness is just ruining it all.