Is it okay that I’ve started turning down intimacy within marriage?
My husband has a lot of good qualities but being attentive in bed is not one of them. He doesn’t do foreplay, doesn’t touch me during the act, and only does one position which is me on top.
I do all the work and usually try to get it over with as soon as possible, but of course his preference is a long drawn out session completely focused on his pleasure. He finishes the instant there is penetration, or usually before it even goes in.
I have had at least 20 “talks” with him about this, where he gets uncomfortable and says “I’m sorry I’m such a failure” and starts pouting.
He insists that getting MORE oral would help him last longer and be more interested because he wouldn’t be “as sensitive” but the sensitivity isn’t the main problem, it’s his general lack of participation.
After the last talk I made a very detailed yet easy to read list featuring all the places I want to be touched, activities I would enjoy, and the order in which I want them done.
Not romantic at all (I would adore some romance or seducing but that’s asking too much) but I thought it might help. I included tips about hygiene too.
But still, he doesn’t seem interested in my pleasure at all. It’s hard for me to get aroused because he’s not trying at all and only wants it to be about himself.
I’ve started turning him down. We don’t do it very frequently as it is, but it will be borderline nonexistent now if I keep saying no. Positive reinforcement would work if he actually TRIED but he doesn’t try so there’s nothing to reinforce.
I feel like saying “no” is saying “I don’t like the way you treat me so you aren’t getting rewarded for no effort” . Thoughts? Is this toxic of me? Is he right and he just needs more oral?