My husband has anger management issues. Will always pick fights with me and will strangle and beat me up when angry. It started with him raising his voice at me when angry. Then he started throwing things at me. Later he punched walls. Kicked chairs. And finally he laid hands on me.
When he started to lay his hands on me, I secretly went to the doctor to have the injuries documented. I made police reports online against my husband and submitted the medical evidence.
I did all these without telling my husband.
He’s been convicted and sentenced to jail before for verbally and physically assaulting some strangers in the past.
The police contacted me and asked if I wanted to pursue my case. I said not yet and made the police reports simply to have the evidence documented and recorded. And as a protective measure.
So far several such police reports have been made.
I don’t hope for him to go to jail again yet I feel that I needed to do what I did to protect myself.
I am not sure what to make of our marriage. What’s a marriage without trust. I do not trust that he has my interest at heart at all. I do not trust him to protect and keep me from harm. He’s become the very source of my fear and danger.
Divorce him, everyone says. It’s easier said than done. I have put up with so much and for so long. I am emotionally and physically battered. I am not sure I can be independent. I am not sure if I ever will find anyone. Who will want to be with someone damaged like me? Who can? Who will be able to understand? Most importantly, I don’t trust my own judgment anymore. I failed myself and committed myself to a man who’s abusive towards me and put up with it for years. I am a divorcee. Is happiness still within reach?
Hindsight, my confidence. My beauty. My intelligence. My independence. All these are perhaps what made my husband feel extremely insecure. Especially when other men give me attention. What made him feel he needs to “reign me in” by all means.
He began doing and saying various things to chip at my confidence. He beat me up to mar my looks. And through his actions slowly and surely he turned me into someone timid. Unsure.
Nowadays, though when I look into the mirror I still see a pretty lady, I feel ugly, humiliated and defeated inside because of the way I have been treated.
Sometimes I cry. But I cry mostly because of how I let this happen to me. If there’s anyone I am angry at it’s myself. Out of love I chose to continue to trust despite him abusing that trust. Out of love I chose him over me when he continued to choose himself over and over. Out of love I tolerated and took the beatings and verbal abuses. And overtime, I lost myself and now I feel like an empty vessel running on an empty tank with nothing more to give.
The physical injuries heal, but the emotional damage from abuse is permanent. I am not the same person as I was before him. And that perhaps is what saddens me most. The me I used to know is gone forever.