I apologize if this is long and drawn out, so I thank you in advance if you decide to take the time to read.
So I (F29) have been with my husband (M36) for 7 years. Together, we have a daughter who is 6 and I have a son from a previous relationship who is 10.
We also have a small home in a nice neighborhood where my kids have made plenty of friends and the school seems to be ok. On the outside and on paper things look pretty great.
On the inside, not so much. We’ve had our relationship issues like anyone else but I’ve let it push me away. He became very jealous about 2-3 years into our relationship and would look through my phone.
He would always ask me if I was cheating on him which eventually turned into am I still in love with him/still attracted to him. Over time these things started to make me feel less and less attracted to him and I did voice that as best as I could at the time. To no avail, his insecurities continued.
He has been insecure about me using my “toy” alone. I actually brought it to work to leave charging in my car because I didn’t want it to lead to a lengthy and heated discussion about why I’m not “in the mood” as much.
He has a bad temper, which he has improved on but it slowly started putting a strain on things and made me not feel as comfortable opening up and being free. He has screamed in my kid’s faces and screamed at me. One time, in particular, was pretty bad because we were driving with the kids in the car and the kids were terrified as was I.
I went to the beach last week to clear my head and he blew up my phone with texts and voice messages for over an hour because I did not respond to his earlier text that day.
I actually muted him and put my phone on do not disturb because he was giving me a bit of a hard time earlier that morning when he offered to leave work early and come with me to which I told him I’d prefer to go to the beach by myself.
He didn’t throw a fit but he did make me feel bad. When I finally answered him I was on my way to my moms to pick up my son. When I got to my mom’s he called again and I said I was there and he asked “do I have to come and check?”
My mom could hear this so she said “yeah hi, she’s here” he got audibly annoyed and hung up on me.
I feel like I’ve contributed to our problems as well by avoiding things and not telling him where I am and who I’m with.
Avoiding having deep and serious discussions about the issues in our relationship because I didn’t want to argue or deal with it. I feel like I should have tried harder because now he seems to be trying harder then ever.
Last night, he asked if things were okay and I told him the truth.
That I’m not physically attracted to him anymore and I feel like I’m forcing myself to be in this relationship.
That I love him and care for him but I’m not in love with him. Again, he asks if there’s anyone else. I struggle with this answer because I do have wandering eyes lately but I don’t feel comfortable telling him even though he tells me it’s okay to admit it. I feel guilty for wanting to be with other people.
I feel like a failure and like I gave up and am throwing away 7 years because “I’m not happy”. I don’t even know how to be happy. I suggested staying with my mom and just taking a break for some space. He disagreed and wants to work at this but I’m unsure-especially because of the wandering eyes part.
When we have S, I have a very hard time staying connected and enjoying it. I almost force myself to do it because that’s what I think I need to do. I don’t feel anything when we kiss. The last two times were the worst because I’ve been so confused about everything but I did it anyway and I told him that during our conversation last night.
It’s scary because for so long, I’ve felt trapped and stuck and wanting to be free but I can’t seem to pull the trigger and I’m not sure if it’s because maybe I am still in love with him or if it’s because of the comfortability of the last 7 years will end and I’m afraid I’d be making a mistake considering how hard he wants to try. He told me he’ll spend every day making me fall in love with him again.
That makes me feel weird. We cuddled last night before falling asleep and it was nice, he wanted to try having S but I said let’s just cuddle instead and he didn’t give me an issue like he used to.
I don’t know what the I’m doing. I have two kids this is going to affect and I feel like a low-life loser that has two kids from two different dads and I can’t seem to get anything right.
I feel like I’ve screw up somehow and there’s something wrong with me, maybe because I’ve been told my entire life that there was something wrong with me.
I don’t honestly know what I want but I am starting therapy next week.