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Saturday, June 10, 2023


My wife (34f) and I (37m) are planning a slightly delayed honeymoon that we are paying for ourselves. We’ll be gone for Christmas this year and the idea is to have a quiet Christmas in a foreign country with just the two of us, our new little family that will hopefully be gaining a new member about 9 months from the honeymoon.


I have a great relationship with my in-laws and they have been beyond generous with us. They paid for a lavish wedding and are just all-around generous and welcoming. My wife has a somewhat strained relationship with her mother and when they spend a lot of time together it usually puts my wife in a negative headspace. Despite this, they spend a lot of time together.

Over lunch today, my MIL found out we would be gone for Christmas and immediately started planning with the rest of the table to join us for part of the trip. My wife agreed that it was a great idea and they all started making plans. Nobody asked me how I felt.

I stayed out of the conversation because I didn’t want to make a scene since there was extended family there. I kept squeezing my wife’s leg and trying to communicate with my eyes that I was uncomfortable but she either ignored me or didn’t realize.

As soon as we left the restaurant, my wife asked me if I was upset. I told her I was very upset and hurt that nobody thought to ask me about my preference. She told me that it probably wouldn’t pan out anyway and that I was overreacting. I told her she was dismissing me and then she got in her car and drove off without saying goodbye.


I have been home for hours now and she has been in the bedroom intermittently napping. I don’t want to make this fight bigger than it already is, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated and hurt that my wife hasn’t attempted to make peace or even acknowledged me.

If they joined us, it would be up to 7 people including siblings and partners. They discussed visiting us for only Christmas Day, but already the MIL is vying for more time. I can feel my honeymoon being chipped away. Not only is this a very different plan than my wife and I had discussed in private, but I’m concerned that my MIL’s presence will put my wife in a bad mood. I’m also concerned that I will be in a bad mood because it’s not what I want at all. I don’t want any bad feelings on my freakin honeymoon!

Besides feeling dismissed, I’m frustrated because the fact that my MIL thinks she is being denied spending Christmas with us means that my wife never communicated that we intend to alternate years and this year belongs to my family. So that’s a bigger issue. And the fact that my wife enthusiastically agreed to the plan means that if we tell the in-laws that they are uninvited, it will be clear that I am the reason. I wish my wife would stand up to her mother rather than making me look like the bad guy.

But is it antiquated to expect that we spend our honeymoon entirely by ourselves? Am I a bad husband if I don’t find a way to bend on this

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