Should I go for looks or not?
This question is probably gonna enrage a lot of people but there is a deeper reason as to why I ask this question. Please read the whole story before you answer.
First of all, I agree compatibility and personality is the most important thing. I would still reject the prettiest girl if she has a terrible attitude.
.In reality, I have never met some who is 100% perfect for me. The way I see it, are we compatible for the most part? And for the parts that we are not-compatible, am I able to deal with them? I feel that is a more realistic way of approaching compatibility/personality.
Now, a little bit of backstory before we get to the meat. I am ugly or at least, that has been what I was told for a long time. I was bullied a lot since young.
I cannot even describe the pain I went through. Now, thinking about it, I think my experience resulted in 2 things.
First, I was, for the lack of the correct word, “kind” and “sensitive”. People naturally steer to become friends with good-looking, class clown, popular, etc. people. One the other hand, I would try to become friends with the so-called “loners/losers” even when I had chances to hang out with top of the group. For example, in our soccer team (ugliness doesn’t matter much), I was a decent player but I saw that there was a dude who was looked down because he was not good at the sport and he was always alone. I decided to give him company instead and become his good friend instead.
I also helped people a lot, in a lot of instances, ending having to do some form of self-sacrifice (which can draining at times). Why? Because I suffered and I did not want anyone to go through the same or any other kind of horrible experience.
Second, I started to put “limits” on myself because I felt as though people will not accept me (because of my ugliness). The fear stopped me from trying a lot of things. For example, I like dancing (amateurish-ly) and I was contemplating whether to join such a cca. Somehow, I plucked the courage to go for it. When I went to the cca open house, the girl at booth gave me look (only way to describe it is “huh, this guy want to join this cca?”) and she only gave me one-word responses. When another good looking freshmen came, she immediately became cheerly and started explaining membership, pricing, etc on her own. I did not feel welcomed so I left.
If you are still here, then thanks. Let’s get to the meat. Everyone around me expects me to get together with an ugly girl because of how I look. To prove everyone wrong, I set myself the lifetime goal of marrying a really beautiful girl, without compromising on personality of course. Of course, I wanted it as well but my past suffering fuelled my desire greater.
Oh boy, I had no idea what was about to happen….
I met this really beautiful girl, fake name “Jess”, who was also extremely kind hearted. There were multiple guys trying to approach her in our office. I wasn’t close to her but I saw do some really kind things which a lot people won’t do. She seemed perfect, I mean, she checked all the boxes for me. However, we weren’t close because she was in another team at work. I also didn’t see her often.
Then, fate decided to screw me over. I met another girl, fake name “Melody”, at an event via a friend. She was not pretty and she was also overweight but she was a good person too. During one of the dinner, she confessed to our group that she was feeling down because of her lack of success in romantic aspect. I knew what she was going through and I re-felt all the pain that I felt over the years. I felt bad for her. I was affected for about a week. I decided that I would sacrifice my lifetime goal to give her a chance and thought that I would ask her out at the end of the week (basically, the “kind” part of me taking over me).
Re-enter the beautiful Jess. She had come to me to clarify about something. When i talked to Jess, I felt my desire for lifetime goal come back and I felt excited. I saw an opportunity to spend time with Jess. Else, I can ask someone else to work with her. I was actually conflicted whether to go with Melody or Jess. I had the perfect girl in front of me, maybe fate decided to give me a chance? Why waste it?
I have always had this “limit” on me so I thought maybe it is time to break it for once in my life.
I decided to not ask Melody out and instead, try my luck with Jess.
My strategy was simple. I will show Jess my “personality” and let it do the work for me. I am sure Jess, such a kind hearted person, will like me for my personality instead of my looks. However, Jess seemed in uninterested in our discussions. She also did not really laugh at my jokes which made no sense to me. Even my boss laughs at my jokes. She seemed like a “dead fish”. Her whatsapp messages to me were aIso bland whereas mine was funny, at least suppose to be funny. She never asked anything about me. I finally realised that she was not interested in me when I saw using her dating app as I always thought she was not actively seeking love.
I also realised that our personalities collided a bit but I am naturally someone who is more understanding and gives in, so I somehow managed to get it to work.
However, I had to continue to work with her so things continued. I cannot say everything here but it was clear as daylight she was not even remotely interested in me and every time something happened to show that, it would be heart-breaking for me. Then, I saw her fawning over an intern who was quite hot and that is when it hit me, looks do matter over personality.
There was a point in time where she struggled a lot. I stepped in and did my self-sacrificing thing again (“kind” part of me again), knowing very well that she wouldn’t love me. However, things changed from then on, she started to open up more and suddenly, she started to send me funny messages. She also started to talk to me from time to time on her own. She would share her personal stories. I finally got to see her “fun” side.
Actually, all it actually meant was that, I was a good friend. Last time, I was a person she had to work with but now, I am good friend. I still kept on seeing instances where she was not interested in me.
At the end, we had a major disagreement at work and we fought. I tried multiple times to reconcile but she did want to fix the situation and it ended up with us parting ways.
Then, fate decided to stab my heart with the most ironic rod possible. Just like any other idiot, I went to stalk her social media after our fall out. Then, I found something that made me feel even more sad. I found her old photo and saw that she was actually fat a few years ago. I also found a few photos of her without makeup where she looked average.
I asked myself if Jess comes to me today being fat and looking average, would I still want to be with her? With our colliding personalities?
The answer is yes because I think I have really fallen in love with her.
My original reason for posting this post was to ask if I had to pick someone, Melody or Jess (before interacting with either of them), who should I pick to go out with? Both of their personalities are fine. One is out of feeling sad for the person whereas the other one was based on desire (but superficially, by looks)
However, I think the more I wrote, I let my emotions run over the whole thing and it became what it is…..
All it shows is that I am stupid……and I will most probably give up looks and do some self-sacrificing nonsense again….