I feel depressed because I was rejected by a girl on a personal level, most likely due to my financial background.
So I’m a guy, fresh into uni and new to relationships. Last semester I somehow get the courage to ask out this girl in the same year as me. Long story short, we hit off very well.
We met up 5 times over a month, most times for an activity and not just a meal. On the 6th meeting, I sense the vibe is strong and I confess my feelings for her.
Up to this point I’m 100% confident she likes me back. But then to my utter surprise and horror, she says, “let’s just be friends, I’m not really into dating.”
I’m taken aback and I ask her why. She is surprisingly amiable and she takes some time to explain that it’s nothing to do with me but her, that she’s ‘just not into dating’ and doesn’t feel the need to get into a relationship. She also claimed that she honestly thought all those outings were just as friends and she didn’t know they were intended to be dates and apologised if she sent the wrong signals.
Regarding the “I just don’t want to date” line, I’ve heard countless times before that such rejections are actually personal. Among my friends, there’s this saying: When a girl says she doesn’t want to date at all, she’s just trying to let you down easy, but actually she just doesn’t want to date YOU personally.
It’s basically common knowledge.
Knowing the rejection was personal was so depressing. I suffered a mental breakdown over the next few days. It hurt like hell and got me agonising over what part of me is so bad. Some part of me must be so repulsive that I would get rejected on a personal level, especially with that cliché excuse of “I’m just not looking to date”. This excuse that covered up an unknown reason pained me to know that I had some personal problem that was so severe the girl must have deemed too hurtful to say out.
I agonised over why she didn’t like me. I narrowed it down to the 3 main common reasons: looks, education level, or financial status.
Now I know there could be other reasons, such as not feeling a romantic connection, incompatibility or mismatched personalities, which are completely possible and valid reasons for rejection, but I don’t think that’s the case here, otherwise the girl could have just told me she felt we didn’t click / were not compatible / I’m not her type; and such reasons are good and not hurtful at all. Furthermore we went out so frequently. Since she used the “just not into dating at all” excuse, she’s most likely lying to hide a deeper reason, and is trying to be nice because the real reason could be too hurtful for me to bear. So I think the reason is unlikely to be incompatibility or mismatched personalities, not least also because we shared a lot of similar hobbies like painting, music, etc. to name a few.
So such a hurtful reason has to be either looks, education level or financial status (I can’t think of any other reason too hurtful to say out).
I agonised for weeks after that, wondering what was wrong with me. It sure as hell cannot be education level as we were in the same year and taking the exact same course, down to the same minor. We both said we were aiming to continue doing a masters after our degree. As for looks… it’s very unlikely to be my looks as we went out multiple times. Also my friends all agree she was within my league in the looks department. And she was shorter than me.
So, that just left financial status.
As full time students who are not earning a steady income of our own yet, I once thought financial background didn’t matter much as long as I was still decently dressed and able to pay for dates. After all, we were in the same course, and it should be our future prospects that mattered more, right? Apparently, not in this case. I got the feeling she’s from a richer background than me and she probably realised it too. Because through our conversations, I found out she attended an expensive private high school, lives in the central area of a major city (she is a foreign student btw), and travelled to more Western countries than me. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out who is from a more well-off background. To clarify, I’m definitely not poor, I’m middle class. I don’t have student loans and both my parents work decent white collar jobs, but my background is definitely not as wealthy as hers.
And I’m pretty sure she knows I’m middle class because she asked what my parents were working as, and also asked what countries I’ve been to. And yes, I also paid for some of the ‘dates’ at decent eateries. But perhaps her financial standards were just too high.
Now I’m not saying that girls are gold diggers, but I heard that even in todays day and age, well-off women with their own money still want to date guys of equal or higher financial background compared to them, not because they are gold diggers and want the guy’s money, but simply because a higher financial status makes one look more successful and attractive overall.
So yeah, the girl most likely lied that she’s just not into dating to hide the hurtful truth of what she truly felt, that she thought my financial status was too low for her. Furthermore she is a foreign student from a country whose citizens have a reputation for being highly materialistic and judging others based on financial background. Deride me all you want for stereotyping or generalising, but like I mentioned earlier, rejection based on financial background seems most plausible. Furthermore, I have friends from that particular country who always specified that whenever girls from their country say “its not personal, I just don’t want to date in general”, the rejection is in fact personal and the other party is bullshitting.
So yeah, it has to be financial status. The only reason that is both personal and too hurtful to say out. Either that or there’s something else so repulsive about me that I’m hit with that cliche excuse.
And now I’m hurt like shit. Especially because of that girl’s excuse.
Even if you don’t agree with my assessment on it having been due to financial background, you can’t deny that the rejection was personal towards me, and some part of me must have been so repulsive to the point she would use that ‘not into dating at all’ excuse. Either way, the rejection sure was personal. And the reason hurtful and terrible enough for the girl to use that cliche excuse.
So this happened months ago, but I still feel pained by it. Sucks to be rejected on a personal level, and judged for your financial background. My self esteem has been shattered and I am depressed. Trying to get this off my chest before the next semester…