When is it a boundary and when is it controlling (behaviour)? I can’t figure it out. I find it very hard not to have any expectation of your partner in the relationship. I always thought open communication about your expectations was the key but apparently, it is not (look at the end).
When you go into a relationship, you do expect some things from your partner (either explicitly and in most cases, implicitly). You expect your partner to support you, be there for you, pamper you, put in effort for you, go on dates with you, etc. If you have no expectations from your partner, then you will never be unhappy right? If your date cancels on you last minute, you won’t be unhappy because you don’t expect your date to show up. If your partner forgets your birthday, then you won’t be unhappy because you don’t have expectations on your partner to celebrate it with you.
Someone asked me if I would let my gf go clubbing with her friends (let’s assume there are guys). I feel like this is a landmine question.
I have had friends who cheated on their bfs/gfs (yes both ways) when they go clubbing. Yes, their partner put full trust in them and they took advantage of it. Not everyone is the same but it is very hard. Again, there are those that cheat at work or other places as well so no gurantee.
So honestly, I don’t feel comfortable if my gf went clubbing with her friends but if I start restricting her, then she would feel that I don’t trust her. While drinking, you are not at your 100% and you might just screw it up (cheat accidentally). If that happens, then bye bye relationship. If I start restricting her, she will feel suffocated and that I am controlling her. If I let her go into risky situations, then the relationship could potential get messed over a stupid thing.
So if your bf asked if you are ok with him helping a female colleague, who is flirty, young and dresses sexily, after work hours, would you be ok? In my mind, my thoughts are genuine and I have no feelings for her. On the other hand, girls would say that this is so red flaggy and I want to seriously meet the girl who says she is fine with this hahaha…..
Apparently, boundaries are things that you place on yourself and are not expectations of another person.
If my gf is posting sexy pics of herself on instagram and I am not comfortable with it, am I allowed to request her not to do it? Am I allowed to tell her that I am insecure about it and it would put my mind at ease if she didn’t do it? If I said that if she stills want to continue posting such pics, then I don’t want to be in this relationship, is that fine? The answer is no because I would taking away her freedom to express herself and I am controlling her. By threatening an exit from the relationship, I am basically manipulating her. A woman can wear what she want and I cannot place an expectation on her. It is not a boundary, it is an expectation and controlling behaviour.
When you marry someone, you do expect the person to be loyal and not cheat which is a blatant expectation. One day your partner says they have a certain fetish or kink but you are not willing to do it for them. Is it ok if they seek satisfaction from an external party instead? Most normal couples would say no (except open relationships which we will put aside). Isn’t this controlling? They do want to express their sexuality in a certain way. I know this is an extreme example.
If you date someone, a gf expects her bf to buy things or spend on gifts on Valentine’s day. If the bf doesn’t do it, then the gf will be angry. Isn’t this controlling in the sense you are expecting your partner to do something for you on Valentine, especially when all the prices are all jacked up?
I expect my gf not to cheat on me. If my gf cheats on me, I would leave the relationship. It is a blatant expectation right? Is this a controlling behaviour?
I like to chat with girls and dm into their socials. I just like chatting and that is all. It is fun and gives me a little validation. If my gf says I cannot do this, is this controlling or a boundary?
As a guy, I am married to a girl. After marrying, I realise that I like to wear female clothing. Say I wear sexy female clothing and post it on instagram to express myself. My wife asks me to take down my pics and instagram page and threatens to leave the relationship if I don’t. IShe is feeling embarrassed about her husband and a lot of people are commenting. Is she controlling or setting a boundary? A man can wear what he wants right? or can he?
My close friend who is a female gives me hugs and kisses to show her love. We don’t have any weird feelings except for bro-sis feelings. My gf tells me that she is insecure and wants me to at least stop touching each other. Is she controlling or setting a boundary?
Last example, I love drinking alcohol a lot. I drink with a lot of people and it does cost a lot of money. If my gf asks me to cut down and not waste too much money on alcohol, is it a boundary or controlling? She is afraid my health is at risk and too much money down the drain. Is this fair? But I love drinking, it is my way to connect and enjoy life. Controlling or not?
Initially, I thought that if I communicated my “expectations” (let’s not say use the term “boundaries”) like not posting sexy pics or clubbing till 4am in the morning with her friends, she is agreeable, then it is fine. If she doesn’t agree, she is fine to find someone else who doesn’t have such restrictions. I just don’t want to worry over stupid things. The most important thing in my mind is that we don’t force someone to do something they don’t and if they don’t agree with what you want/expect from a partner, they are fine to leave. However, it has come to my knowledge that even stating your “expectations” to someone is toxic and manipulative, like the Jonah Hill incident. Maybe he phrased it wrongly but basically, he just stated his “expectations” and if she felt suffocated, she could have just stated no to them and don’t even get into a relationship with him. I do agree that was not a smart move to pick a girl that conflicted with his “expectations” in the first place but I don’t think he needed to receive so much backlash. Obviously his “expectations” conflicted with her job so she could have just said no from the get go. Why make a hu ha about it?
If you realise your partner does not fit your expectation, you can find someone else. What if you are married and your partner doesn’t fit your expectations? How would you reconcile then? No is perfect without insecurities. What is the right way to approach this?