It’s exhausting being the “adult” amongst everyone almost my whole life. A long read, but, please do read if you wish.
I really don’t know how to rant here without making myself sound arrogant and a “know it all”, I guess there’s no other way. But I deserve to rant about this. I deserve a break.
I’m the youngest in my siblings, and the only boy. All of my older sisters are mentally special, if you know what I’m saying. Because of that, growing up, although I’m the youngest, I have to trained myself as if I’m the oldest brother instead. I have to look out for my older sisters all the time, cause they couldn’t even rely on themselves, and they constantly got bullied from others cause of their condition. My parents always talk to me like an adult, teach me to use logical thinking and not emotions when it comes to problem solving, and generally just teach me how to be a mature individual, while also be smart. All my life, I’ve lived in survival mode. All for my sisters and parents’ sake. There’s no such thing as cartoons, or toys, or fun fair in my childhood.
Both of my parents passed away due to an accident when I was 11 years old. All property and whatnot passed down to me by their final will (not sure how though). I divide some for my sisters just in case. I had no time to grieve them. I immediately think about what’s next. Following my aunt’s advice to invest, for me and my sister’s future, and work part time anywhere at the same time, while also studying. I had to do all of this alone while making sure my sisters are safe.
But growing up…those times I was in primary school, I suffered a lot. Dealing with kids, dealing with immature teenagers later on, with irresponsible immature teachers who always gets so emotional over the smallest, solvable things. I was labeled as an “old man” cause of the way I acted like an adult. I got discriminated cause apparently I’m so “boring” and “too logical”. When I was 12, I remember I told other kids to stop being childish and immature. Yup, a kid, telling another kid, to stop being a kid. It’s exhausting seeing them create problems cause they’re so bored with their life. I was also told by the teachers that I’m “too mature for your age” and I need to start behaving like a kid, and I told them that they’re incredibly immature for theirs and they should be an adult that kids look up too. I got myself in trouble for saying that, but, I stood my ground since I was already taught how to stand up for myself and argue with logics. Only the principle knows my real situation and dismissed the case. He told me that once I’m an adult, I’ll be a lil happier.
Years passed, I’m now 30 years old. And….I’m still exhausted dealing with people. Bunch of adults my age still behaves like a child and always use their emotions for everything. They’re irresponsible and never take any accountability in life. It’s really exhausting to be dealing with people like this.
I’m just…all I want is to be a kid. A kid that’s so dumb and learning things very slowly. I deserve to be immature and stupid for once. I deserve to be the kid that I never was. I wish my older sisters are born normal so I can be that annoying little brother to them. I wish my parents are still alive too so I can have fights with them but also take care of them. At my age, if my sisters were normal, they would’ve been married and have kids, and I’d love to be that cool uncle to my niece and nephews…but I guess they’ll be unmarried, and I guess I will be unmarried too. Cause I don’t have the mental capacity to take care of another person, even worse if I have my own kids. I have 4 special sisters to look after, and that’s my only life goal. I had to reject even my own crush….but my crush says she wants to go through it with me…but, with so many betrayals from both sides of my family about my parents’ property, and about taking care of my sisters, I just…couldn’t anymore. She say she’ll wait for me….maybe, she’s the one? But I don’t know….for the first time, my logical mind couldn’t do its thing.
And for the first time, I grieved my parents and the childhood that I missed. And I’m crying right now as I’m typing this. I love my sisters. They didn’t ask to be born that way. I never blamed them for taking my childhood away. I have no other choice but to do it for their sake. I could’ve abandoned them but , I chose to take responsibility.
Most of you have the life I wanted so bad.
Please don’t take it for granted.