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Wednesday, February 8, 2023
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MAN FOUGHT CANCER FOR 9 YEARS, FINDS OUT IT HAS COME BACK & WANTS TO STOP FIGHTING

Cancer came back and I decided I am done.

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I am done with being a guinea pig. I’m done being poked and prodded. I’m done with my body being butchered and my soul being ripped apart.

I have fought for almost 9 years with this cancer and I am just done.

I have endured

~10 open abdominal surgeries ~2 types of chemo ~4 phase 1 clinical trials ~75 hours under anesthesia ~8 different JP drain tubes ~2 permanent ostomies ~3 chemo chest ports ~traveled far and wide for treatment (went as far as Australia – I am in the US) ~have had to sacrifice all my 30s to try to beat this cancer (was diagnosed at 29)

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We found out last week that it is back and there is very little they can do. Surgery is completely off the table, as I have too much scar tissue and it would be extremely difficult and dangerous.

And my spirit is so weary from all the surgeries and attempts to save my life. I’m so done. I don’t have anything left. I am completely, 100% spent.

But I feel so selfish for choosing not to continue “fighting.” I don’t want to leave my loved ones. I know they will be a mess without me. But I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t wear my brave face mask anymore.

I feel like a selfish piece of shit for finally giving up. Not that I have any options left. But I can’t help but feel guilty. 🙁

Don’t know how much time I have left with this new recurrence, but I’d rather spend my last days not in pain with my loved ones, than being put through torture to try to survive a little longer. Cancer. Sucks.

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