My wife was in a bad accident a few months ago that resulted in her being in an 8 day coma. Obviously when she went into the coma, no one knew at the time how long it was going to last.
I was envisioning months, if not years, before she would ever wake up. If she ever did. It truly felt like I had lost her already. I was destroyed with grief and the weight of all the uncertainty. Every day that passed with no good news further plunged me into despair.
We have been married for 10 years. We have traveled the world together. We are truly each other’s best friend. I was seriously considering ending my life if they told me she was braindead or just wouldn’t come back from it.
One night, I was in our bedroom and really going through it. It was probably the 5th or 6th day. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and drained from it all. Another day of no good news.
I was laying on her side of the bed because it still smelled like her and it was comforting to me. She used to put on lotion at night before we got into bed so I opened her nightstand drawer to get the bottle and saw her diary there.
I have never gone through her things or her diary before but that night I just wanted some piece of her. I don’t know why I didn’t just reread our old texts or something. I wasn’t really thinking too logically. It’s not an excuse, but it is what it is.
I began to read her diary. She didn’t write every day, so sometimes entries could be days or months apart. This diary was started a bout 3 years ago. Very quickly I realized that almost all of the entries were angry ones.
Angry about female friends or social media followers. Long paragraphs about how they were home wreckers and ugly/talentless/whatever negative trait. She would become furious if a woman followed me on social media or if we ran into a friend in real life.
She wrote pages about these women and how she wanted them to die or have their lives destroyed. She was angry that I “basked in all the attention” and didn’t remove female followers online.
She was angry if a woman followed me and didn’t also immediately follow her account because “we are a package deal, not that these wh*r*s know any decency to respect that”.
She wrote long rants about how women know the nuances of social media interactions and this somehow proved for certain that they “wanted” me and were actively trying to disrespect our relationship by only following me and not her.
I need to stress that none of the women she was angry about have ever messaged me inappropriately or acted in any way besides a friendly manner towards me. These were school or old friends mostly. A big common element many of them had was knowing or being friends with exes of mine.
She raged on about how I should not be allowing them to glimpse into our lives, and she suspected they were “reporting” back to my exes. To be honest with you, the entries were very unhinged and angry.
Then I read some entries about how she had messaged some of them from secret accounts. I am summarizing here but basically over the course of 12 years she has messaged and harassed several women and subtely accused them of trying to sleep with me or disrespect our relationship.
She pretended to be an anonymous person and would tell them things like “heard xyz talking about you and they told Wife and Kitchen_Animator_678 that you are obsessed with Kitchen_Animator_678” and just weird manipulative shit that would result in the person deleting me without ever telling me why.
Like YEARS of this. Any new person who added me and not her was immediately a problem and she made sure they knew it somehow in a way that would never blow back on her but still got them away from me.
So much made sense. Friends who had ghosted me over the years. People who blocked me. People who didn’t say hi in public anymore. It’s not like hundreds of people, but definitely 10-15 who I just never understood what happened.
I would mention these things to her and she would seem comforting and try to reassure me and then ask innocently if maybe they had a thing for me? Always non-threateningly. Always saying something like “Yea ive had some guy friends who did that. It turned out they were jealous of our relationship.
I had to cut them off, it’s just not appropriate to have them around knowing their intentions were not purely platonic”. I never suspected anything. I accepted everything she told me as plausible and even thought to myself how graceful she was in light of it.
I’m not even covering half the stuff in the diary. Just blatant manipulations of other people and their lives, people she got fired by digging up dirt (literally nothing crazy, maybe a FB comment) and sending it to their jobs. There were some normal entries. Basically things like trips we took and how much she loves me. Absolute night and day.
She woke up from the coma days later, but had some mobility issues that are now mostly hammered out. I couldn’t do anything. For months I’ve had to be the supportive loving husband she knew before the accident. I’ve supported her through her entire recovery. I have had to act like I don’t know any of this. All the while living with dread whenever someone adds me. I immediately remove them as a follower.
I don’t know where to go from here. If I’ll ever actually confront her. I would like to thing I’d have the stones to do it, but honestly, I doubt it.