Having Scars
Just a rant, looking for an outlet to vent.
I once had a toxic relationship (in my 30s and the relationship went on for 3 years). She was controlling, demanding and overall a toxic person. It was rather strange because she wasn’t like this before we became official. She started to demand that I am not supposed to interact with any females, even for work related correspondence.
It really impeded my work since I am not supposed to communicate with any one of the opposite gender. It has affected me so much that my social skills has became non existence. I literally don’t know how to communicate with anyone at all right now. I have became socially awkward to the point that I avoid any work related events or networking sessions.
During the relationship, I was also prohibited from meeting any of my friends since she deemed them as bad influences. She would only allow me to hang out with friends that has her “stamp of approval”. Even so, she would regularly call or text during this period of time. It was a must to reply her messages. If not, there will be a barrage of calls. It has gone to the point where I just stopped meeting any of my friends. For context, most of my friends are guys and I barely hangout with any females.
I am also not allowed to have any hobbies at all. My hobbies are all normal, decent stuff like cooking, gaming, photography (of inanimate items and nature scenes, not shooting models or females). I was forced to deleted my personal and photography IG account. All my time must be spent of her. Meaning that even if we are not meeting, I am supposed to reply her text immediately. Hence, most of my free time are spent at home (since I can’t hang out with friends or spend time on my hobbies) watching tv. Whenever she texts, I would pause my show and reply to her immediately. I basically have no life at all. Again, for context, I have not done anything to take her trust away. I have not cheated. I have treated her right, bought her high ticket items as gifts and whatnot. My hobbies were all fine before we became official as well. I really did not understand what made her banned me from doing things that I love.
One thing that really got to me was how she hates and criticises my family. She often complains about how my family are just very rude in general. My family barely meets her let alone speaking to her. I really don’t know where she’s getting that from. She even went to the point of telling me no wonder my siblings have no friends at all since they are so rude.
I have contemplated but has also tried breaking up with her on multiple occasions. But her toxic traits made it so difficult to. A plethora of emotional abuses and arguments. I have already took in many unreasonable requests (as mentioned above) but it’s never enough for her. I have tried to unalive myself multiple times because I really couldn’t take the stress and abuse. There are so many railroad tracks on my arms that I can’t see myself wearing short sleeves shirts anymore just because I don’t want my mom to see it.
Frankly speaking, I really don’t know what went wrong. I have done nothing bad to her at all and put her above everything else. I don’t know what caused her become like this. I am just glad that it is over. With both the physical and mental scars, I really don’t know how I am or when will I be ready to date again.