Is This Normal?
I’m a 35 y.o male and I would like to know if there’re anyone similar to me, and how you guys fix the problem.
Since I was a child, I never have feelings for people. What I mean by that is I don’t feel the love for my parents, my siblings, my exes, pretty much everyone including those who really cared for me. Before you guys bash me up, let me make some disclaimers beforehand. Although I’m not staying with my parents anymore, I still visit them once or twice a week, bring them out for dinner, and occasionally bring them to some events or festivals, and visit my relatives too. I also give them $2k every month as allowance. Whenever my siblings need help, I’ll do my best to help them out like taking leave to help them with their work or forking out money to ease their financial burden. Same goes to my friends too, I don’t feel excited to hangout with them, I don’t sense happiness when they celebrate their birthday or when they celebrate my birthday, but I’ll always try my best to make them happy, though I don’t feel anything.
I remember in primary school, our form teacher wanted us to make a card for our mom for Mother’s Day, give her a kiss and tell her “I love you mom”, or else we would be punished, but I don’t remember the details anymore. I couldn’t do it, I just gave my mom the card and said happy mother’s day and that was it. When my teacher asked us on the next day, I honestly reported what exactly happened, and she seemed quite upset with me, and I said I was shy to kiss my mom and say I love you.
At first I thought it was because I was still young and didn’t understand what love and filial piety is, but even after I grew older, went through uni, had a few relationships, I still couldn’t feel love at all. I’ve had 3 past relationships, and I gave in my 100% to be a good boyfriend and tried all my best to reciprocate the love that these women gave me, but I failed. I simply just don’t feel it at all. There was once one of my them had a car accident and was hospitalized. As soon as I received the news, I was shocked, but neither did I feel worried nor the need to rush to the hospital to visit her. I broke up with them simply because I didn’t have feelings for them, and I know I shouldn’t have been in a relationship in the first place. I just thought that maybe they can change me, eventually turning me from a ruthless man to somebody who can actually love and feel loved.
Having completed my law degree, passed the bar exam, gotten a decent job at a law firm, I’ve experienced plenty of celebrations, be it for me or my colleagues or friends, I don’t feel special or happy at all. To me, a celebration is just for me to enjoy food with them.
Last year when my uncle passed away, my siblings cried at his funeral, but I just can’t break into tears, and more like I didn’t feel sad at all, even though he took care of us and was very close to us since young. I know I sound tremendously ruthless, severely lacking compassion, lacking empathy and sympathy, but I can’t help it. My friends around me do find me a good friend, a good working partner, someone that provides solid and reliable input in any situations, but they never know that to me, I’m just doing my job as a friend and I don’t feel anything for them.
Is this normal? How should i overcome this situation? Or live my life as it is?
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