I have a serious anger issues and I need help.
I wasn’t like this before. I used to be extremely patient. How patient? People bullied me, took advantage of me, literally spat on my face, and I still show no anger.
I don’t blame them for being the bad person. I blamed myself cause everyone kept on saying things like “Its your own fault you got bullied cause you didn’t fight back. It’s your own fault you got taken advantage of cause you let them”. It’s to the point I simply believe that anything bad happens, automatically it’s my fault.
So I tried to be good. I kept on smiling despite the abuse.
I always blame anything else and make excuses for their bad behavior like “Maybe they grew up in an abusive household” and so on. I never want anyone to go through what I went through. I kept hoping they will change. But years…years I got abused.
One day, I snapped. Whenever people show even a small sign of disrespect, I immediately lash out, get into a physical fight and nearly unalive them at a lot of points. Some of them are permanently disabled thanks to what I did. And they don’t dare to report me to the cops cause I threatened to harm their innocent loved ones (As they did to mine). But I don’t care. I don’t care about their feelings anymore. I don’t make anymore excuses for their behavior. And I have lost all hope that these kind of people will change. I learnt that no one will have my back and good people will always be taken advantage of and never appreciated. I learnt that no one cares if I’m bullied, and I will always be the bad guy even for standing up to myself.
I’m tired of being the better person when the other person won’t be better at all.
However…I hate this version of me…I despise it so much. I lost myself.
Deep down, I want to be kind to everyone. But now…I don’t know how anymore…I kept getting angry on almost everything now…I lost control…
You may criticize me all you want, it’s okay… But please… I need help… What can I do to not be angry all the time?