I’m terrified that when i die, there will be nothingness for all eternity. my brain can’t handle it. i just can’t understand the concept of forever. (i’m not religious, but i’m not atheist either).
thoughts of the afterlife and my own mortality have kept me up at night. i’m afraid to sleep because it feels too similar to dying. i’m scared that i’ll never wake up. i’m constantly exhausted because i struggle to fall asleep every night (i listen to asmr and ambient noise before bed but it doesn’t help anymore)
these thoughts only used to bother me at night, but now my every waking moment is spent obsessing over the afterlife. i can’t concentrate on anything else. i always feel so insignificant, like anything i do has no meaning and will never matter in the end. i try to distract myself with other things but i can’t focus for too long before my mind wanders back to thinking of the afterlife. my brain just can’t cope with the idea of nothingness forever. i’ve read and listened to stories of peoples NDEs and there are so many conflicting ideas and i don’t know what to believe.
i want to believe in an afterlife but i’m afraid that i’ve done something terrible that i’m unaware of and i go to hell. i need to think very hard and clearly before i do anything in case it’s something bad that i get sent to hell for (e.g. i’m scared of eating because gluttony is a sin, and i’m scared to buy things because greed is a sin). it terrifies me just as much as the nothingness.
on one hand, i hope there is an afterlife because i don’t want to suffer the eternal nothing forever. but on the other hand i don’t because if there is an afterlife i probably will get sent to hell. i’ve thought of every meticulous detail of my life, from the moment i was born to where i am now to see if there’s anything i could redeem myself for. i’ve written it in a journal and i look at it multiple times a day and if i don’t, it stresses me out and it’s all i think of.
these fears have ruined my life. i’m never comfortable, physically or mentally. i cannot eat, i cannot sleep, i don’t talk to people anymore. i feel like i’m in a constant state of dying. i feel like i’m being psychologically tortured. even if i get help, i don’t think i’ll ever truly recover, i see no way out of this.
i’ve seen counsellors before but they haven’t helped me. i want to see a professional but i’m afraid, every doctor i’ve been to looks at me and speaks to me as if i’m a subhuman animal.
please do not judge me, i’ve never shared these personal issues with anyone before. i feel sick as nauseous as i’m typing this but i think i need to just get this out because i don’t have anyone else to tell.