I’m sorry if this makes me sound like an asshole but I am starting to feel resentment at being the sole breadwinner and I’m not sure how to get around these terrible thoughts.
I am a 32M only child from a poor family and married with a BTO flat coming along the way next year in Yishun because I picked the cheapest flat. For most of my life, my family struggled financially so while my childhood wasn’t terrible, I had to make do with not a lot of food and never travelled overseas. Family never owned a car and I lived in rental flats for a big part of my childhood.
I ended up focusing a lot on my education to break out of the cycle and managed to get into a local uni and studied a terribly boring course but one that guaranteed at least a stable but fairly median job. I also did not take any pocket money from my family since 14 and worked part time jobs even while in NS to save money for myself and support myself.
Working a few years out of graduation, I met my now wife who was working at the time but decided to quit suddenly because of mental health issues and have been unemployed for the past two years. My parents also conveniently decided to retire a week after I found my first job.
The past two years have been tough because I have saved almost nothing. I look at my bank statement and whenever the income comes in it goes out completely. One to parents, one to household expenses, one to bills, some to my wife, etc and I feel trapped. I hardly get to spend it on myself.
I feel like if I lose my job right now the whole system collapses, and everyone who is dependent on me has nothing. My parents just came to ask me for money again and I see that they have less than 10 dollars in their bank account. I cannot even fathom having kids because then it adds more mouths to feed.
I feel resentful and angry because while I’m hustling and struggling to make ends meet, it feels like everyone else around me is slacking and depending on me to just work and pay off everything. The worse thoughts came when I once accidentally blurted out to a colleague that actually if I had no family or dependents, my income would allow me to have a pretty comfortable life. But because I have people depending on me, I have to suffer as well.
I have thought ending it all or even running away from it all, because I see no end to it. And I don’t know what to do. I feel very resentful that I am carrying to weight of everyone, and my job isn’t so stable where layoffs do happen during economic recessions. Soon the house mortgage will come, along with children, and my parents medical bills will get more expensive, and I feel trapped.