I don’t know how to tell her that I’m tired of initiating intimacy. It makes me feel needy and rejected.
Context
I (23m) have been dating my GF (20f) for just over 3 months and we’re moving out of that honeymoon phase of things. I get that s- dropping off is normal but it’s just putting me on edge because most of my relationships tend to end soon after the honeymoon phase.
We haven’t had s- in about a week or two, I haven’t really been counting because she admitted she felt like my libido is significantly higher than hers and it makes her feel like I only care about s-.
As a result of our discussion and me trying to make her feel better we’ve had more long term discussions (family, kids, marriage, moving in, work, etc). I also asked her to establish a sort of system where she has a bracelet she can wear when she feels in the mood for s-, that way I’m not just poking and prodding.
Now gets to the hard part, I tried initiating this morning when we both woke up and she just wasn’t in the mood which is cool. My problem is she said if I got breakfast then she “might” be and now I’m feeling like we’re in a place of quid pro quo’s.
I want to say I initiated this via the bracelet idea without thinking, as a matter of fact I feel responsible.
On the way home with breakfast I got depressed thinking about if I really wanted to be in this type of situation 5, 10 or even 15 years from now and I think I brought that energy home because she left kinda distant a little bit ago.
I’m not mad at her, and certainly don’t blame her, for not wanting s- as often I just wish I knew how to get both our needs met.
I just wish she would initiate more without me having to become distant. Like I get some people aren’t as affectionate when things are going good but I’m worried that she’ll only ever initiate when things are rocky and that’s not the kinda relationship I want.
I want us to be happy when we’re cuddling and talking and watching movies. I want her to embrace me too.
I don’t want to feel like I’m that needy guy who’s only desire is to have s- or one of those guys from who resents his wife because she doesn’t want s- but doesn’t want the relationship to end.
I want to talk with her and explain things but she’s nervous and gets depressive episodes sometimes so I don’t want to add to her plate, especially with feelings that are so selfish.
So instead of the million questions I have I just want to ask “If I stopped trying would you ever even try to initiate?”
I do care about her but my last 2 relationships ended up going the dead bedroom route and I know I don’t want that. One was 4 months and the other was about 5 or so, so I’m really looking for solutions before I consider ending things.
And I know endings things over s- gets a lot of pushback in terms of “how can you be so selfish?” and “What about her feelings?”
But I just cannot stand that it makes me look like the needy one.