Guys, I cannot. I literally cannot make this shit up. I am sitting in my living room typing this while my childhood friend, let’s call him Jeremy, is currently passing out on my sofa. Why? Because this absolute gong kia genuinely believes he is currently being possessed by a Taoist deity.
The story starts this afternoon. His mom force him to go to this crowded temple because apparently his heng ong huat meter was running low. This idiot, instead of just bowing like a normal human being, stood right next to the giant joss stick burner and was breathing it in like it’s pure oxygen. He told me, “Bro, the smoke is cleansing my aura.” Bro, you are not cleansing your aura, you are literally giving yourself acute carbon monoxide poisoning.
Fast forward to tonight. We went to the local coffee shop for mookata. He drinks three miserable mugs of Tiger beer. Three only, okay? Not even a jug. Suddenly, his eyes start rolling backward. He starts shaking his legs violently under the table. I thought he was having a seizure or the chili padi hit his stomach wrong.
I ask him, “Eh Jeremy, you okay bo?”
This fellow looks at me, changes his voice to this deep, vibrating Ah Beng tone, and goes, “The temple spirits have chosen me as their vessel. The smoke opened my third eye.”
KNNCCB. I nearly choked on my pork belly. I told him, “Oei, you are not a vessel, you are just a cheap drunk with zero alcohol tolerance.” But no, superstitions have completely overridden his last two remaining brain cells. He started trying to bless the auntie clearing our plates by waving his chopsticks over her head. The auntie just stared at him, clicked her tongue, and muttered “Siao lang” under her breath.
Now we are back at my flat. He refused to sit on the chair because “deities must sit higher.” He tried to climb onto my fridge, fell off, and is now snoring on my sofa. Tomorrow when he wakes up with a hangover, he’s definitely going to say the temple god left his body. How to cure this kind of advanced delusion? Send back to primary school science class can or not?