Hi all, just wanted to let something off my chest. So… I have 4 siblings which are all brothers.( I am a guy btw) The 5 of us are very close since young and we always share things like usage of car, clothes etc.
We are all working adults now and 4 of my brothers can’t find their right one (they are middle age men now). I felt bad for them and asked my wife if she is willing to have S with my brothers and have a child with each of them to boost their self esteem.
In which, she agreed. (With conditions like 100k for each child birth ) She then had S with my oldest brother about 5 years ago. Which I have regretted this decision and really defeated every inch of my soul. I cried very badly outside their room that night. Since then she had Swith my 3 other brothers occasionally. I act like I am okay in front of them. But in fact it was killing me inside, each time they had S.
Today, we each have one child. When I look at my brother’s child, I felt sadness and emptiness in my heart. I start to question myself “what if this child does better than my child”, “what if my wife likes this child better than our child, which cause an impact on our relationship”.
I start to think a lot since the start of the S with my brothers, which really impacted my mental health a lot as I did not mention to them about my feelings as I do not wish to ruin our relationship, both brother and wife.
I started to have depression and have suicidal thoughts after one month my wife had S with my oldest brother. Even though this is transactional, I still felt really bad and felt that my self-worth is worse than a bag full of dirt.
Today, when we go out as a family, me, my 4brothers, wife and 5 children. I felt very insecure and wish to die every day. I do not know what is the point in living already. Btw the children all acknowledge me as the dad. As registered in all their birth cert.
All in all, I do not know why I suggest such a stupid idea. And I really f regret it to the core of my soul.
Please advise how to cope with this… I don’t think I can tahan already