I (29M) met my fiancée (30F) 2.5 years ago online. She is Malaysian and I am Singaporean. We took turns visiting each other every few weeks after COVID-19 lockdown was over, until she finally moved over to Singapore about 6 months ago. She has been staying with me in my parents’ house (a jumbo executive flat). I proposed to her last month and she said yes.
Ever since she moved to Singapore, I have broached the topic of us applying for a BTO after she obtains PR status. She was negative on the idea as firstly, my parents’ house is big and she feels it is better to stay here rather than buying a small BTO flat. Secondly, as I am the only son (with 2 sisters), she feels that it is highly likely that I have to take care of my parents when they are of older age.
On the other hand, I would like to move out instead as:
- My parents have non-concrete plans to downgrade flat and use the balance as retirement sum
- If we are to have kids (I want 1 kid, she wants 2 kids), there will not be sufficient space for us at all
- I have tried asking my parents if I can buy the house from them at a discount, and then they can continue staying in the house. I casually asked them if they would consider selling the house to me at S$500k, but they kept insisting that the house is worth nearly a million.
- My dad can get quite irritating at times, which my fiancée has mentioned before to me as well. I don’t think staying together for the long-term would be good.
- I don’t think my parents have any plans to leave the entire house to me alone should they pass on. Most likely it will be split equally between me and my siblings.
I have discussed the above points with her and she agreed that we should move out. However, the tricky and frustrating part is, whenever I mention the finances and that we should start planning and saving for future housing costs, she gets frustrated and says “It was never my idea to buy a house”.
Here is the financial context:
- She is earning S$3.6k per month. She gives my mum S$250 monthly for ‘rent’ and household expenses, and spends about S$1.2k~S$1.4k monthly on transport and meals.
- She set herself the target of saving S$2k per month.
- She did not have any substantial savings when she moved over from Malaysia. She has been saving ever since she moved over and has accumulated about S$10k thus far.
- I am currently earning S$7.2k per month. I give my parents S$600 monthly, and I spend about S$1.4k monthly on transport, meals, and dates. I do not spend much on myself other than going on dates with her. The rest goes into investments/savings.
- I have S$75k in my CPF OA, S$57k in investments, S$25k emergency funds, S$40k saved for wedding costs and honeymoon, S$20k in spare cash that I am undecided on whether to using it for investments or future reno costs.
I have projected that by the time we have to make downpayment for a BTO, I should likely have sufficient amount in my OA to make the downpayment on my own. However, for future renovation costs, appliances and stamp duty, I projected it would likely cost about S$110k. As such, I worked backwards, and gave myself and my fiancée 5 years to earn that sum. I told her that I will foot 75% of the costs, while I will need her to help with the remaining 25%. This worked out to me saving about S$1.6k per month while she has to save S$600 per month, which I communicated to her.
However, she feels constantly unhappy about this. She has mentioned the following points in our many quarrels over this topic:
- She feels like she has to sacrifice her life to pay for a house that she didn’t want in the first place.
- She only moved over a few months ago. It is unreasonable of me to start stressing her to save money for a house.
- She feels like she doesn’t have money to do what she wants (i.e. go holidays or buy stuff) because I stress her out over saving for a house
- She is saving S$2k a month already, what more does she have to do? She says that she will gladly give any amount she saves for the housing reno costs in the future.
I have been constantly reiterating to her that she is saving S$2k per month, I am only requesting her to set aside S$600 per month for future housing costs, while she can spend the remaining S$1.4k she saves in any way she likes. Upon me mentioning this, she will say that I am always stressing her out over money and that she already has her own financial plans of saving S$2k per month, and I should stop talking to her about finances or instructing her to save S$600 per month. Then she will start rambling on again about how she doesn’t feel happy at all because she feels that all her savings are going towards housing plans and she doesn’t have money to do what she wants.
As you can see…the argument keeps going in a circular motion and I do not know how to resolve this.
I would greatly appreciate some advice on how I can resolve this matter. Please do feel free to also share your viewpoints – am I in the wrong or being unreasonable?