You ever think you’ll be more useful to your family dead than alive?
I know I’m smart and also irritating. My relationship with my parents is difficult even though we all think we are trying. I want to help and I am not given more opportunities, I’m treated like a toddler even though I’ve already proven my capability more than once. tbh even when they ask me to help they also don’t use anything I did. I’m of no use to my family.
Any insurance payout from my accidental death or murder will make my parents rich. I’m insured like crazy bc I’m so young and healthy that any insurance company will happily bet on me, and the premiums are bloody cheap as a result. They’ll financially be better off even if I paid them as much allowance as I can probably afford for the next 40+ years. There will be no more arguments or fighting or dealing with this whiny brat, no more paying my uni fees or my bills, all you have is this rose-tinted memory of a poor, clever, passionate child snuffed out in the prime of their life, which is much easier to deal with.
I can imagine the conversations already. “So-and-so’s kid died. Yah, apparently was an NUS student, about to graduate already. Quite sad lah.”
Even my brother will be better off. All my valuables (including some heirlooms that were passed to me, and will default to him after my death), most of my CPF, etc will go to him. He gets to start his working life with an extra cushion of thousands upon thousands of dollars, extra valuables to pawn if needed, becomes a white horse because he will be the only child now.
Sometimes I just pray for me and me alone to die in a car accident or get randomly murdered, something quick and ‘honourable’, no loss of face (VS if say, I die while out drinking) and minimal medical expenses on me because I’m dead or beyond saving before an ambulance arrives. Since it wasn’t a suicide and was clearly not something I could reasonably prevent, insurance will pay out, I become the poor, tragic child, life will be easier for everyone. There will be my funeral costs and my family and friends will be sad, but life goes on, and my memory will be easier to live with than my reality.
I don’t plan to do anything. No need to fear. Insurance will only pay out if it is an accident or murder, so I must continue as normal until hopefully that happens. I want to die, but don’t want to DIY, DIY will be pointless since you get the combi of no insurance payout + stigma + more regrets for those around me, and my goal is to maximise benefit > pain.
I don’t know what god is listening, but if they have a sense of justice or mercy they will let it happen soon. Why am I alive when I don’t want it and my family will objectively be better off with me dead, and so many much more deserving people who did want to live, who had people who needed them, die everyday in stupid accidents or to murder or something else? Irritating pricks like me, who have angered and annoyed so many people, whose deaths will benefit others much more than their life ever did, should be the ones to die, not them.
To the gods: Kill me! Come on and kill me if you think you’re a just god! Kill this bastard who doesn’t want to live, and spare someone else who did want to.