My current relationship is a few month longer than 3 years now. This is my confession seeking some humble opinion.
In the first 2 years of our relationship (mostly pre covid) while she was in 2 companies that she was happy at (not much stress), we often meet up perhaps 2 to 3 times average per week either lunch or after work for dinner and text normally daily. She would initiate to ask me out and I do so too. We often see and text each, hence we don’t have a habit of calling each other. We both loved travelling where we had loads of time together and experiences created to recollect after the trips. We don’t go to each other’s place because both our parents just don’t like visitors (we can’t control our parents rules cos their house their rules). I also send her home (I don’t own a car) but gradually she tells me not to send because she doesn’t wants me to tire to travel 20 stations just to send her back and forth. She also generally don’t like me to send stuffs to her place because she doesn’t likes surprises or want us to waste money to do so (this was what many couples did during CB)
Covid striked obviously, but we continued to meet when I rent car to eat takeaways during heighten rules and still as usual to keep us connected and afloat. Of course having extended time together on a overseas trip wasn’t possible even till now. And until the next few situations in her life below that made us see each other lesser and text lesser.
She has anaemia, which generally makes her more fatigued or tired due to the underlying condition. Her general health (or immunity) has also taken a toll (described over next paragraphs)
It was after CB she decided to quit and join a new company jumping from non sales background to do sales/business development on the basis of her experience in the industry. She struggled with the stress that came with the job and the boss was a nightmare to work where he was often making snide sexist remarks especially during customer and partner engagements that triggered her to move on.
She joined her current job in a reputable company which is not her typical industry. Although the pay is decent, the workload she has (as what she describes) often overworks her and many a times at the mercy of a call or text away from boss to overtime at her expense to churn certain emails, reports or presentations meaning she has to work late till late night or midnight. This is on top of taking care of her mum while she WFH (next paragraph). She has been finding new job for many months since. I foresee that the workload situation will persist as long as she is in the company till her contract ends later this year.
Her maternal grandmother passed on in early 2021 and her mum was deeply affected and suspected to fall into depression soon after. Her mum is often insecure and always needing my girlfriend around the house to keep her behaviour and mind in check (e.g. worry about many things constantly and waking my girlfriend up in the middle of the night needing a talk). This would means she spends her night time at home to ensure and keep her accompany (not alone) and don’t 忽视乱想 (hu shi luan xiang). I understand that her mum is an important person in her life. So since then whenever we meet it would be in the daytime (WFH) during lunchtime.
2nd half of 2021, she decided to further studies by taking part time degree at night and took on the maximum number of modules she was assigned by the course coordinator in her first semester. With that she spent more time on studies and assignments on top of her very packed work load and subsequently her health was getting bad failling sick more such as female related issues and IBS (could be stress induced).
During study week and exams, we only text like once a day at the end of each day and those tend to be very short messages as she studiously prepares for her exams. After the exams and with the many health issues occuring, she decided to take a pause in her studies so that her body can recover and attune back to a healthier level over time. Just when I think that she may have more time for us now, another matter happened.
At end 2021, her paternal grandma who was healthy was admitted to hospital. She was later discharged but memories were failing since, daily needs needed caretaking and require more than 1 person besides maid to care. As her dad was the eldest son, a greater sense of responsibility fell on her to take turns among her relatives to rotationally take care of her grandma every 2 to 3 days at grandma place. She will go over after her work and will return home tired afterwards.
I’ve always not been the complaining type in a relationship but try to be a understanding boyfriend in my current relationship. That’s something I’m trying to work on yet I’m confused too. Sometimes I’ll just drop subtle comments that I wish we can see each other more and that I reminisc those times earlier that we always spend a lot of time together. She’s kind of resigned to the fact that many unfortunate things are happening in her life so we/I can’t do much. We both always agree to hope that the situation can become better in the days or months ahead and from there we can have more time together. She always says that if she has time she will want to spend more time with me.
Our texting is more or less sparingly per day because due to above scenarios, alot of time she is occupied (even if she’s on whatsapp she’s responding to work or family matters) and hence she could sometimes only text me once in the night. We used to text longer and more engaging replies during our first 2 years but with all those many stuffs happenings, she replies me with short replies and common response or text is “I am so tired/exhausted”, “I am sleepy”, “I am resting” and mostly is I ask how is her and her day and reminding her to rest more and well given her fatigue. I often tell myself that my GF is tired so I try to be understanding that she is easily tired with so many things to do or going on in her life. But there’s also another part of me asking if she could have a more engaging response from her and that I grow a lil wary of being the one trying to cheer her and being concerned about her well being and her day. Not sure if I am thinking too much and keeping my mind positive.
Am I sad or disheartened to see or chat with my GF less often for over the past year? Yes I can’t deny sometimes such thoughts hits me. Many a times I wanna voice my mind but when I want to do so I just think retract this thought as I start to think that I’m not being patient or a understanding BF. But I don’t want to be seen as needy or require attention as it is not my intention. I also don’t want to be misunderstood in both my words as harsh or not tolerant or understanding her situations. I also often question how I can help her but it seems otherwise I don’t have much ways to really do so. I would have many moments where I typed out something to want to tell her and subsequently I’ll delete it without sending. Or I feel like telling her face to face but just don’t want to spoil our day because when we do meet up, we are very normal couple talking, just that our meet ups are over lunch timings so it’s shorter than 2 hours. We meet like average once a month now.
Apologies if the story is very long but that’s to set the context out. What are your thoughts on the overall? Am I right or wrong? How often do long term couples actually text each other and what do you actually talk about? Have you had similar occurrence and how do you deal with it?