I (F32) am the manager of a group of bankers . We’re spread out over several offices and once every few months we meet up in person. It’s a great team and we’re really close.
Made out with one of my subordinates while waiting for the train
The meet ups are always great. We don’t really have a hierarchy in the team. I support them being their best selves at work and I’m not seen as a “boss”.
I’ve been with each and every one of them 1-1 before. “Mike” (35M) is one of them.
We had a productive day and went for dinner and drinks afterwards. We had to go to different train stations in the vicinity to get home after we were done, so we split up and split up again until it was just me and Mike left.
We can get along great and I never thought anything else of it. But now, seemingly out of nothing we kissed. There was a short silence before we did it and we just looked each other in the eye and moved towards each other.
We made out for a few minutes at the corner of the MRT station platform until the train came and we went off in opposite directions
We’ve managed to speak afterwards and it seems we both have certain feelings or technically ‘lust’ for each other. We’re both in a relationship with kids and do not want to pursue what happened.
But every since that kiss our minds are completely messed up. We’re both anxious about what happened and I can’t stop thinking about it. I love him to bits and I didn’t only risk losing our friendship but I also made him feel bad. Being his manager makes it even worse.
He says we’re okay, I am more than happy to be okay with him, but thinking how I made him feel makes me so anxious. And it’s on my mind all day for over a week now.
I’m just wondering whether I should suggest meeting up again to properly talk about it without the risk of partners or colleagues listening in.
I also want to apologise in person and see and feel we’re indeed okay. There’s absolutely no chance it will happen again as I don’t want to cause hurt and love my family.
I’m worried that it’ll become visible in the next team meet up if we don’t properly talk about it before.
I know I’m a terrible person, no need to tell me that.
I think I just want to vent as I can’t share it with anyone.