Background: My (23M) parents are divorced for 4 years now and my siblings and I stay with my father while my mother moved out and stayed in her own flat.
After divorce mother keep asking my siblings and I for money but never take an interest in our lives
Mother (50F) is working FT and earns around $2k (she only has diploma) and lives paycheck to paycheck.
Ever since the divorce, I had been strongly independent and didn’t ask for any help from my mother, and stopped talking allowance from my father once I graduated poly (2021).
Throughout the years, my mother had been asking me for money to lend her as she is ‘tight’ and would return the said sum the next month or so.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting and felt that our relationship was pretty much transactional, whereby she would just text me to request if she could borrow money from me and barely showing any interest in what I am up to in my life.
Two months ago, she borrowed $400 from my sibling (17M) and only paid back $200. And today, she asked if I could borrow her $250 first.
The amount that she has been asking have been steadily increasing, from $20 to $50 to even $400 now.
I am worried that she is a chronic borrower and depending on us for her retirement as I doubt she has any savings for retirement at all.
I am finishing NS and starting Uni next year. I have to pay back my Uni loans (around 40k) as well as plan for BTO in the next 5 years w my partner.
AITA if I choose not to lend my hard earned money to my mother?
Here are what netizens think
- It’s still your money. You can and are free to assist her if you can, but if do not put yourself in a bad situation if you cannot afford to do so.
- I won’t lend la. I would give allowance. Probably a small sum like $100 given your current income level. At least I know how much I need to give per month. And I can flat out say no to a loan
- Child of divorce here!
I treat people how they treat me, regardless of whether we’re blood related or not. Before the divorce, how did she treat you? Was it good, or just average like fulfilling the basic responsibilities of being a parent?
I’m happy to give allowance to my parents because they have been good parents, even care for them when they’re much older.
If you think she was a good mother to you, maybe give a little bit of allowance to “thank her”. Set a boundary for how much you’re willing to give (like $100), don’t just let her increase every time. HOWEVER you’re still not financially stable, you have your own responsibilities (I.e. debt) and you should not stretch yourself thin to meet her request. Filial piety happens only if
1. you are capable
2. if you want to. It is not an obligation and you have the choice.
Also with regards to this transactional relationship, I felt like that with my dad as well, except it was the other way around. I hope you don’t blame yourself or feel guilty like I did that you’re not making more effort to improve the relationship. If your mother wants a closer relationship with you she will strive to do so, not how she’s acting now.