Daughter who can’t stand living with mom anymore, just need to rant.
My parents got divorced when I was 13, and it had a really bad impact on me, mentally and emotionally if it makes sense. I wouldn’t say that I suffer from anxiety/depression etc. because I was never diagnosed and I don’t wish to downplay the shit that people who do suffer from them go through.
However, the emotional turmoil I was put through, did cause a lot of self-harm to happen, a lot of insecurities, a lot of just me trying to find a new identity and adapt to a new life without a happy family. A lot of these thoughts still surface even now. My closest friends would have heard me talking about that one scene that replays in my head every now and then, of my father (one who never ever cries) choking up while wrapping my textbooks for me, while my mother packed her things in the room to move out.
My dad loved and still loves my mom, the way he looked at her even now when we do meet, the way he always reminded me to listen and help my mom out because I’m the eldest. He loves her so much, but she left him because she didn’t want to be with a “poor” man. Because I know how much my dad loves her and how much he would sacrifice his entire life just for her, that’s why I hated my mom when she divorced my dad.
We then moved out together, my mom got our custody and my dad didn’t fight it because he didn’t want my mom to go through so much.
The relationship my mom and I had was horrible, I wouldn’t talk to her, and I hated the sight of her. To me, she’s a hypocrite who’s nice only when people are around, she’s nice to her friends and their kids, but doesn’t treat us like humans when we’re home. She does provide a roof over our heads, feeds us occasionally, but is she really a good mom if half the time she’s losing her temper at us for things that were not our fault?
Is she really a good mom if she hurls vulgarities at you when you were only 14, just because you didn’t pack your school bag the night before? Is she a good mom if she calls you names and says “I wanna kill you with a cleaver”?
I lived with her horrible temper for close to 10 years. Even when things got better between us when I graduated from University, I would still stay out till 11 pm just to avoid having to speak to her or see her. The problem is, we share the same room and bed, so I have no choice but to face her every day.
I don’t even have any sort of privacy or time alone in my room because we share a room AND BED?! uGH. For many years, I’ve yearned to move out on my own because dealing with her was so taxing on my mental health. I’ve tried taking my life a few times but failed because I always thought of my dad right before I take any action.
Now that there’s COVID, I’ve had to face her every single day at home because both of us work from home. I am reaching my limit and I don’t know how long I can deal with this. I wanna move out but rent is so expensive, but if I don’t, I have to deal with her temper, insults, and ridiculous antics like buying appliances worth $5000 when she has no money and then borrowing money from us.
If only there was a way to get rich quick if only a kind soul would rent her room out to me for $100 or less, if only I was never born.. What would you do if you were me? with a measly 2.8k pay, a future to save for, and expenses to pay for?
Anybody wanna take in someone who’s about to lose her mind?