Am i not your son? What have i done wrong?
Sorry just another rant post…
I felt like i was adopted… My mum always wanted a daughter and that’s it.. i can imagine her disappointment when i was the first born..
When i was a kid, i was always taken care by my 2 grandmas.. i remembered being absent for kindergarten K1 once when my mum took care of me for a bit.. because she didn’t bothered waking me up..
I had a very nice childhood because she dumped me under my dad’s mum’s care.. i have tons of cousins (who are at least 20 yo older than me, my dad was the youngest & married very late).. my late grandma taught me to greet every uncle/auntie.. homecooked food everyday which i missed now.. my mum hated them because they would gossip about her and her family (she claims it’s because of her humble origins, but it’s really her arrogance)..
Then comes my sister when i was five.. my dad side family didn’t like her.. my sis was hand raised by my mum… Refused to greet people (didn’t even call me “kor” or “bro” even today).. I knew my sis wasn’t treated well by my dad side of the family (strong beliefs that males are more precious than females).. i will share my angbao money with her… For her wedding i even gave her a big angbao, which shocked her..
During my primary school and secondary school days.. i wasn’t the best kid in town in terms of grades.. my sister aces her studies.. got into top tier schools… Was even invited back to her JC to teach.. my sis is on the front page of 大拇指 (the old school newspaper in Chinese), which my mum still keeps till today… But my mum didn’t remember any of my achievements.. i went poly and NS, dated twice.. but my family didn’t even bother knowing that i had gfs except my grandma.. to “consolidate power and standing in the family” my mum threatened that i go back home to her everyday after my PSLE.. saying she will disown me if i refused to go back with her.. (i remembered the scene so vividly because i was crying so badly that day)
My mum will always go mahjong with her friends, or gambling at some casinos on some ships off the coast of Singapore, or travel to genting to gamble (now it’s MBS).. she will throw tantrums at home whenever she loses money..
Once she brought back her mahjong kakis home… One of the old aunties suddenly got a stroke (overnight mahjong).. from then on my sister got PTSD from old ppl.. and refuses everything that my grandma touches! The common areas like door handles etc… even today, my sis will wash her hands over and over again after touching common areas… Told my mum to bring her to see a psychiatrist.. but my mum refused..
When I go overseas after my NS, my mum threw everything away including my bed so that my sister can have her own room (yes we shared a room even when i was in NS).. i was upset.. i have no bed when i go home to visit.. had to sleep in the living room on my sofa, which she complained it stinks from my BO (the dermatologist said i had too much baths, and it’s causing eczema, yet my mum bought me very rough and strong soap and shampoo, and insist i shower multiple times a day).. All my hobbies and stuff.. all thrown out.. as though to wipe the memory of me off the house… when I needed funds to continue the last stretch of my graduate education… I was blackmailed and threatened by my own mum… My dad even offered his cpf money to pay off my tuition and i worked while i was studying…
I started working overseas and it was the best 2+ years of my life.. away from the family.. When i found a full time job overseas… My dad was not terribly happy (because i am a male, which has to stick with parents to take care of them till they die).. but my mum can’t be more happier when she found out..
My grandma (dad’s mum) health was becoming too frail towards the end of my graduate studies.. i was hoping she last till i come back, but sadly no.. she’s the one who have been paying mostly for my tuition fees.. but when she fell in the toilet (we used to live together in an old flat in Chinatown), she tried to call out for my mum and sis for help.. who totally ignored her!!! My dad was working.. and i was overseas.. her entire face was blue-black that never recovered till she died.. Everyone else in the family was devastated.. yet my mum pretended like nothing happened..
That smirk face on my mum is sth i will never forget and never forgive.. when we were told to give our last goodbyes to my dad’s mum.. walking around the coffin.. she gave that “serve you right” face and just glared at my grandma’s face.. and then she keep saying that she never expect my dad’s mum to die later than her mum!
When i was overseas.. my sister told me she caught my mum being very “extra nice” to a young 20yo++ Samsung promoter.. bought him bed, pillows, daily necessities.. my sis and mum even argued over this promoter.. but when i heard the news.. i only sympathized with my dad..
When i flew back when COVID hits and there’s no jobs anywhere overseas.. i specifically heard my mum told her friends that she never expected me to return… And i remembered her telling one of them that having sons are useless… (When i have a gf, she said she never expected me to have a gf.. what’s with these expectations?!)
Yet, i am the only child who turns up whenever there is an issue.. when my dad gets hospitalized.. once with a bile stone in 2021, the other with a mini stroke in 2023… My younger sister will always be (sorry i am in a meeting) and my dad still tell me.. “oh your sister is afraid of the hospital smell… No need to visit me.. it’s only a mini stroke”.. it was my first day at work when my dad had bile stones! I risked losing a job on my first day! when the water hose exploded in the toilet while my dad is A&E diagnosed with mini stroke this year (2023), my mum was with him in the hospital.. I was the only one there with my gf to fix the water hose, rushing down from woodlands customs (we are about to enter JB that day)… Tried calling my sister back but my sister treated as though nth happened! My sister still lives in the house despite after getting married (her BTO was delayed due to covid)..
My dad was a workaholic… Been working in the family business 363 days a year (he only rests during the 2 days of CNY)… He returns home usually past midnight… Not because he has tons of things to do… He just enjoyed taking his own sweet time to do up orders for the business… That’s how he got his mini stroke… 70 yo working like a 40 yo.. sometimes i feel he’s just trying to live out the rest of his life and had already given up with this current one..
My mum is very mean to my dad.. threatening my dad every time for divorce when i was young.. calling him ah gua (or gay), smelly old man etc… she will lock him out of the room whenever she feels like it.. hack into my dad’s social media account to post young hot men pics, knowing that account had tons of his family and friends.. Even made him swear in front of ancestor tablet that he is not gay or else his kids will get cancer… All my dad did was hanging out with a couple of younger guy friends! My mum even threw away the entire Martell wine collection that my mum’s dad gave to my dad.. she even threw away my dad’s aquarium before i came back from overseas, despite his fond memories of the aquarium tank.. she’s constantly complaining about how bad my dad is making money, despite he is fulfilling his role as a filial son to continue the family business, based from his promise to his father.. She later called him names in order to sell our old family house in Chinatown left down by my late grandma (dad’s mum).. my dad got so irritated one day and decided to just sign the agreement to sell the house.. after she sold it… She cried everyday saying “i shouldn’t have done that” (because no other houses in sg now is as big as our old family house)… my dad turns out to be the one consoling her..
I am a Buddhist, influenced by aunt.. we have a guanyin statue that i have been praying to since young (it was passed down by my aunt when she moved out of my old flat in Chinatown after arguing with my mum, the statue was no taller than a 1.5 L bottle and now the altar is just at the top most of a built in cardboard, without a proper altar)… Yet my mum threatened to send it to temple.. she only take her words back when my dad got into hospital for bile stones (he fainted from the fever caused by the bile stones the very next day, after she said it in front of the statue to send it to temple.. she’s being superstitious so the statue is still there).. on the other hand.. the huge piano (about 1 meters tall, 2 meters wide) has left untouched since my sister got into uni.. my sister is the only one that can play.. and my mum refused to sell it and been collecting dust since.. (why..? My sister has no intention to bring it over to her BTO flat either!)
Now that my sis got her BTO done, she’s not inviting my mum graciously into the house! She says My mum can sit on a chair outside the new house! My mum even buys her lunch whenever my sis wfh! (“See mum! This is the kind of child you raised and wanted right?”)
Whenever i bought new stuff for myself.. it’s either thrown away now or in the storeroom.. my formal shoes that i wore to conferences now harder than steel… My army boots, i have to buy a new pair almost every reservist, which every SG boy will know it’s expensive (mold grow on them despite how i try to savage them, and she refused to let me air it outside, and demanded that i keep in the storeroom).. My Harry Potter series, rare limited edition book copies (i remembered vividly having a limited edition Chinese written book by Singapore Press that describes every single temple in Singapore) and Stephen chow movies all thrown away.. all these are all collectibles editions..
When my younger sister got an official bf.. my parents greeted him very well.. exchanged numbers… Got him gifts… My gf got nothing.. They didn’t even remember her name and didn’t bothered asking, even after 2 family dinners with her until i made a fuss!!
I am heartbroken…
“Mum, am i not your son? Yes i have my flaws but I tried to be a filial son as much as i can! What have i done wrong? Just because “sons are useless” in your opinion?!”
PS: “Sons are useless” is a phrase used by my grandad (mum’s dad) because my mum’s brothers didn’t play out as filial sons as far as i gathered..