I feel so mentally drained
Context: am a SCT in a combat vocation. Currently awaiting DPPH referral to PCC for suspected ASD.
I hate how my company (moreover, my section) treats me.
I always have tried my best to do the best in everything. It’s just my style, I would have liked to receive a bayonet as well. When my instructors asked for bayonet hopefuls, I raised my hand. My platoon have been giving me crap for it ever since. They look at me like I am some wayang king, although that’s just my style to be more enthu about things. They gave me crap for it, tease me, and call me “silver bayo” sarcastically. As for the other bayonet hopeful, he was given praise for good performance and all that. The same people that gave me crap all look up to him and call him “PS” already.
For my mental health, I had seeked help multiple times. I had talked to my OC (a paracounsellor) and my CWO about my issues, and my worries about possible mental issues. I had went to see the MO and the defence psychologist.
My section had a sit down talk with my OC and CWO to address my problems with them. I promised them that I would work to change my behaviours, but that under the request to be more patient and understanding. They agreed.
F-g hell man. In the end, I had spent my energy to try to make their lives more comfortable, to try to fit in. In the end, none of them try to make my life easier. No one tries to engage in meaningful conversation with me. The behaviours that they find rude, they purposely try to initiate out of me (eg; they don’t how I respond to them calling my name, they repeatedly call out my name, almost like a beckoning call). Some of them, talk down to me, almost like I am a child (Ironically, it is done by the two silver bayos in my section). Some act like I’m some kind of anomaly, like I am a disease in the section (calling me autistic (as synonymous with retarded, calling me “special ops”, with emphasis on the special) in conversations within earshot, repeating my words in a mocking manner (“I like to be-” “I lIkE tO bEee…”)). They mock me and my ability, acting like I would be a crappy commander.
I hate how they treat me. I hate how I am treated like I don’t matter.
I hate that I was never given an opportunity to be given appointment, to be able to prove myself to be worthy of a bayonet, to be worthy to be a PS. I asked my CWO to be given appointment, of which he said, “I will try to do so, when I see better improvement in the relationship with you and your platoon.”
In the end, I ain’t a bayonet recipient, and since my section knew I was working for it, they keep on continuing to give me crap for it. During the certificate ceremony rehearsal, the guy next to me (MY F-G BUDDY), literally put his hand in from of me, and shouted, “Congratulations, myveryfirstTA”. As for the other hopeful, he did get it.
I still have to stay in my section for the next month after graduation as due to the nature of my course, I only post out to unit after one more high key.
I hate that I still have to work with them after my graduation, and still have the chance of working with these guys after post out.
I hate the fact that I will have to share a rank with some of these guys, people that I can tell from their RSO RSI track records and through hearing their conversations within earshot, that they would be the type to try to downPES once they get the rank. I hate the possibility that if one of these guys was to become my PS, that I just become their scapegoat, that I will have to do the work without the recognition.
I hate this “know your place” culture, where trying to help others and take initiative is looked at as wayang and fake.
My OC told me to tahan for a bit, that eventually karma will hit, that if anything, I can find him to rant.
But I just don’t know how I can handle these next few weeks.
Knowing that every single action I do, even if it’s in good intention, is always criticised and ridiculed.
Having this feeling of loneliness in my section.
I don’t even know whether my trauma from bullying in primary school is kicking in, that I just have trouble taking in criticism.
I don’t even know what is going on anymore. I am confused and I don’t even know if the problem lies with me anymore.
I’m so tired. Life is f-g tiring, man.