Am I unfilial or is PIL unreasonable?
Partner and I finally moved into our marital home after years of waiting.
Single parent-in-law (PIL) was previously told that we would stay on our own for a period of time (maybe 1-2 yrs) before getting PIL over to stay with us to get used to our living habits and just enjoy our freedom for a while.
However, once we moved in, PIL has been lamenting we are unfilial because PIL is not staying with us. PIL frequently brings this up and even uses family members to broadcast our “unfilialness”. PIL frequently says things like what if they don’t have 1-2 years to live, they should go back to home country because not staying in our house in SG and all sorts of nonsense.
For context, we have been visiting PIL once a week after moving out and the partner has been PIL’s main caregiver. We buy stuff whenever PIL requires and run errands too. PIL is also currently still capable to take care of self, still working and does not require help with daily living.
PIL also visits my partner’s sibling once a week on average to play with grandchildren.
Is PIL unreasonable or are we unfilial? I am dreading having to stay with PIL in future.
Am I unfilial to suggest staying apart forever? How can we get past this 1-2 years without having to feel guilty every single time we meet?
Here are what netizens think:
- Do not stay with PIL, offer to visit them instead. You need your own space. Request your spouse to be firm and both of you agree on this together.
- Actually what the PIL said makes some sense. The elderly usually treasure their remaining time and will try to rush to get stuff done. If the child cannot spend time with the PIL in the same country regularly with his/her friends and relatives in another country, then it’s better to let the PIL spend time with family and friends while they are still alive.3
- PIL shouldn’t expect you to let him/her come to your house, because PIL should respect your space. Yes although if based on filiel piety y’all should let PIL come and stay, but it’s not for PIL to decide and PIL should not feel entitled.
- It’s just like if u have kids, you want to respect their personal space and boundaries as a full grown ass adult. It’s now their home, not just because you are the parent/PIL then u can demand to live in their house. They can be nice and loving to let you stay with them, but if they do not, learn not to complain and impose. It is what it is.
- You both seem to have done enough on your part, visiting PIL and buying stuff. Whether you want to do more is up to you, but generally I feel you have done sufficiently.