(Please share this post in your FB network. Help me find my sister.)
Yday, Mum and I had a three-hour marathon talk. We spoke about something that’s been laying in the deepest parts of her mind – the loss of her child.
Philo has 5 kids, lost one. She gave birth to her fourth child, a baby girl on Thursday, 16 Dec 1973, in Singapore. She looked like her father (as did I). They named her Joanna Sabrina Vaz. What a Beautiful name! She would be J4 – all the children’s names start with J in our family. In our culture (Indian/Malayalees), 4th child and a girl (after three boys) is considered lucky. Very lucky. Not so much in our case.
Here’s what we know:
1. Right around the time she gave birth, Philo felt extremely helpless. Papa was away working in Indonesia and she was struggling to cope with the demands of looking after a newborn as well as three school-going boys, youngest was 7 and eldest at 12. Our extended family didn’t live as close as when she had her three boys (for support) and Philo, Papa and boys had just moved into their new home in Toa Payoh.
2. What we have identified is that she had Post-Natal Depression (PND). She tried to get help but because PND was largely a stigmatised mark of maternal incompetence (and the stigma continues to be the case today), she didn’t know how to get help and support. In the moments that she tried, she didn’t get help in a manner that she needed.
3. Philo regularly attended services at Novena Church (Singapore) along Thomson Road. Being a devout Catholic, she went there to pray for help. There she met a lady, Indian (Laskhmi/Laxmi) who spoke Tamil, in her 50s, wore a sari and kindly offered her help to look after the newborn baby girl. This arrangement began when the child was 4 months old. Approximately Mar/Apr 1974.
4. Every week, for the next two months, the lady (Laskhmi/Laxmi), would travel from Sembawang (north of Singapore) with the child and visit Philo and the boys for half a day. They’d spend time together. Philo would cook a meal for them, attend to the newborn, give L some money for her help as well as cans of milk (Lactogen). L had a daughter in her 20s whom she stayed with (in Sembawang). Philo tried to focus on getting better but she was at her wits end. She remained un-diagnosed.
5. When the child turned 6 months (approx.), the visits stopped. Philo went to Novena Church as regularly as possible however, there was no trace of L or the child. In the next three months, there were three people who had asked mum about the child – my dad, an aunt and a family friend. She told all three that a lady was helping to look after the child and they thought none of it. I asked her why didn’t she think to say anything. For some reason, she believed that L would return with the child. After all, the child wasn’t hers.
6. We don’t know when Papa began to realise that something was terribly wrong and how much time had passed between the last sighting of the baby to the point the alarm was raised with the police. Approx 9 months old by this time. There were newspaper reports too but all avenues fetched zero results.
7. We don’t have any pictures of her. All we have is her birth certificate. Like me, she was born at home. Apparently, she and I looked alike as babies. Back in the 70s, you could carry a child out of the country on a mother’s passport. Not the case today. She could have been taken out of the country.
8. The family never got to celebrate her first birthday (or the following) with her.
Why am I sharing this?
Philo wants to see her child, she turns 80 next year in Feb. She’s been holding on to the blame, shame and guilt for a long time – 45 years and counting. It was never her intent to give the baby away; she was seeking a temporary situation for someone to look after the baby while she got her life back together. Given what she knows now or if she had a magic ball that could tell her what was going to happen, she would have chosen differently. Don’t we all wish we could undo one decision? She blames herself for the decisions that she made and has been punishing herself since. For the first time, she admitted to hating herself and feeling like God’s been punishing her. I explained that He’s not. Her PND was never diagnosed but quickly enough, it escalated to depression and she’s never been the same.
The last time J3 and I (J5) did this (more than 20 years ago), Philo and Papa, who was alive then, had a huge meltdown. We hadn’t sought their approval and they felt the shame come into the open again. Demanded that we stop looking or else… and that we could, once they were both gone. Never explained why. Given Papa’s gone and rules are meant to be broken, we’re rekindling this effort and hoping for an internet miracle.
I believe, the moment shame comes into the open, it gives up its power to exist i.e. no longer has a hold on its bearer. Shame transforms into a beautiful truth in the light.
THE ASK: My dear FB friends (>1000 of you), now more than ever, PLEASE SHARE THIS FAR AND WIDE. Help us #findjoanna.
I know the information is light on the details of L. This is the best that we have given how much time has lapsed and the state of things today. L’s daughter, if alive, would be in her 60s or 70s now (estimation).
We’re not looking to blame or point fingers. We believe that a decision was made to save a child – in the best interest of the child and without any mal-intent. Unfortunately, that decision was made without the consent of a parent. And we truly want to set that right and reunite mother and child, sister with her siblings.
Please direct all communication to me. I am the pt of contact for the search.
Update1: We don’t have many family pics from the 60s as we lost them in the floods. In the 70s, we took few pics. Will upload when I hv them.
Update2: That’s the cache of photos that we have. My brother, James (J3), is the point person for media given he is based in SG. I will manage all online references and fb msgs from Sydney. We want to thank everyone who has generously reached our, friends family and fb community, to help us find our sister.
https://www.facebook.com/jen.vaz.5/posts/10156685385096093?__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARBj_OHGfT0W8fer2KWekeIRGTaZJc5wMdtTvBTZUs46dqMgHINbbY9NbliH2d2uaDt4Rfao9nkmHK1bdKEkmnUpHTYK7GrBnFSmyzIkrUe_iM31qpWO-slC-P6Uh6OL93ASBPjKWmMLfhg4MBikA7QoIGI2z_-80WU6MSOBE0yIlPbYiSZRGY1DyzZf_J7ZWkJvb_ni4AnE9HS5sXvblwqXPNIt7fHPkGpyauL1PMkOLAFt9zU2QVA3D1SKlogdhX6B1S3y0qemQFibsugx047jHxaFvR_S8msOEsZLzo08aSRmvceS92be3bsdr5hulV58UBqG96NfmvHC0t29bUvg5DMJ&__tn__=C-R