You are not alone
Accept and embrace what life throws at you.
F, turning 40 yrs old this Nov, I am still stubborn at certain things. Just so in my blood that I find it hard to let go.
I grew up in a patriarchal family. Growing up, my life sucks. All the good things went to my younger brother, and I have sapu all the housework and even wash plates in the kitchen during occassions like CNY. Queing to get angpao from grandparents also.. I was the last. My dad was the eldest son in the family, hence Ah gong and Ah ma doesn’t like me , they were all time biased and think that my younger brother is the ‘eldest’. I am always forgotten and easily left out, even though I lived with my parents where there’s just only 4 of us. Long story short.. you can imagine how insecure I am when I was a teenage girl. But I hide it so well that no one notices.. and yes, NO ONE NOTICES.
I have not talked to my dad for the past 20 over years. Father’s image in my life was just so blurred. I get very jealous and envy when I see some daughters being their daddy’s favourite girl. I have no idea what is the impact of not having dad in my life growing up until I had my baby girl born0 in 2015. I have a very bland relationship with my mum as well, as she shown a lot of bias to my younger brother which has somehow pissed me off a lot.
After my girl was born, I realised I was a really lousy mum. All the love I was missing from my original family almost torn my own family apart. Depression, emotional distress, communication.. they just fell apart like a breaking wall. I treated my girl exactly like how I was being treated.. yelling, lots of scolding, beating, etc.. I just doesn’t know how to love her PROPERLY. It came to a point until now that l always feel like I just can’t maintain my sanity. I am very worried about her growing up yet I clearly know that I have to work on myself first..
But, it’s so tough. Coping with all kinds of stresses here in SG, with no family support from both sides parents- you get explode very easily.
How to really work on myself ??!