I had an unfortunate, confusing intimate encounter with a man yesterday. I have no one to talk to about it right now.
Basically, a few days ago I [24F] matched with a guy we’ll call “C” [25M] on bumble and we kinda hit it off. He said he was interested in a fwb situation, which would be unknown territory for me, but I agreed because, well, I thought he was cute and it would be fun.
After some chatting, we arranged to meet in a public space (my suggestion) for coffee, and the plan was for me to go to his place with him after for amorous activities. Maybe it wasn’t necessarily the safest play but I took precautions and I never really felt I was in danger.
Here’s the rub: the man who met me at the coffee shop didn’t quite match who I saw in the photos on his profile. Okay, I could tell he was the same person but it was clear those pictures were quite old. Now I don’t like to be the judgey type but I’ll be honest, I wasn’t into it. I just didn’t find his current appearance attractive—it wasn’t a match, what more can I say?
Anyways I sat facing him, engaging in casual conversation, all the while trying to figure out how I was going to get out of it.
Eventually, he suggested we head to his place. He was clearly getting impatient. From our past conversations, I’m sure he had high expectations for how this “date” was going to go (and I guess that’s my fault for being upfront and specific with him about my boundaries regarding intimacy).
I don’t know if it was my nerves or if I was feeling pressure, but I agreed. I texted my mom the address and went over. He walked me up and introduced me to a pretty messy apartment (not that I’m in any position to judge lol). Once I sat down I was straight up with him and asked if he really wanted to be friends or if he just wanted the benefits. I was getting the sense from our conversation that it really was the latter, but he just evaded the question. We returned to idle chit-chat until eventually, he disrobed and, well, I did what I told him I wanted to do before I knew what he actually looked like.
It was bad. I’ll spare you all the details, but he was not very hygienic, which I didn’t find out until I was in the act. He also did nothing for me at all the whole time. And like I said, I just didn’t find him attractive. It was the perfect storm for awful S. And looking back on it I feel so confused, so stupid wondering why I would have consented to that knowing I wouldn’t like it. Why would I go through with it even though there were ways for me to get out of it? Anyways, after he was satisfied he basically told me to leave. That cemented for me the fact that he was only taking advantage of me all along. Maybe I should have caught on sooner, but I am kinda new to dating and romance. I got home and did my best to numb myself, and I sent him a concise message saying I didn’t want to see him again.
I’m sure my therapist and I can break down the nitty-grittyof how my anxiety and other mental health/social challenges could have played a role in this mistake. But I need to hear from other women, too. Has anyone else ever felt so much pressure from the expectations of others that they’ve made a mistake or even harmed themselves, emotionally or otherwise? How do I stand up for myself and say no in a situation like this? I was scared to hurt his feelings, or insult him somehow, or worse make him angry. I feel like there’s so much emphasis on getting men to listen when women say no, which is great, but I also think we should invest time into teaching girls how to say no in the first place.
Anyways, thank you for reading if you made it this far. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’d like. Please, feel free to tell me if I’m off my rocker.